One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs."Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Ah Beng Random jokes
1. Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at seawhenthey were hijacked by a group of pirates.
The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give usall your valuables!" The chief pirate then raiseda syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject youwith the AIDS virus!"
Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.
Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates.Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.
Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!" The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Bengwith the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.
In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus.Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared,what... I got condom!!!"
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2. Ah Beng went hiking and saw a cave and wentin.Inside the cave he picked up a lamp.He laughed and said, "Ho say leow, kio tiok kim!"and began rubbing the lamp.And 'poot!' Out came a genie from the lamp.
The genie then granted Ah Beng 3 wishes.
Without thinking carefully, Ah Beng said ' si milan cheow also want.' So the genie stuck all sorts of penises all over Ah Beng's body.
Shocked and disgusted, Ah Beng then said, "This time si mi lan cheow also do'wan."So the genie quickly granted Ah Beng's 2nd wish.And with a 'poot!' all the penises disappeared from Ah Beng's body, including his own.
Even more shocked this time, Ah Beng said, "Iwantmy own last time lan cheow back."And with a final 'poot!', Ah Beng got exactly whathe wished for: the penis he had when he was a baby.
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3. A long time ago, Ah Beng found himself as asailor on board an ang-mor explorer's ship.One day, in the crow's nest, he spotted anuncharted island.
He quickly scurried down, andknocked on the captain's door."Eh, Captain!" he said eagerly. "There got new island, leh! What should we call it?"However, the Captain was at the time making love to a woman passenger, who was in the throes ofpassion.
Ah Beng heard the woman wail to the Captain, "Put it in, dear! In, dear! In, dear!"And thus, India got its name.
Ah Beng later found himself serving on-board Christopher Columbus' ships.One day, the crew spotted a new continent. Ah Bengwas below decks, when Columbus summoned the crew on deck. As Columbus asked, "What shall we name this newworld?", Ah Beng scrambled up and said in Cantonese, "Hai meh leh ka?" ("What'shappening?")
And thus, America got its name.
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4. An American, A Briton and a Singaporean wereallies in a war and, unfortunately, were cornered by the enemy. The only way to the safe zone was by dashing through 100m of no-man's-land, where thetrio risked being gunned down by enemy snipers.
The Briton decided to give it a try first, and started dashing with all his might towards the 100m end mark. Upon reaching 90m, he was shot. As he fell, he shouted, "God save the Queen!" and fell dead.
The American decided to go next and blazed towardsthe safe zone. 80m...85m...90m...95m...BANG! Hewas shot as well. As he fell, he shouted, "For Liberty!" and fell dead.
The Singaporean was next and he ran faster thanheever did in his whole life. 80m... 85m... 90m...95m... 96m... 97m.. 98m... 99m.... BANG! He was shot too, and as he fell, he shouted,
"KAN NI NABU CHAO CHEE BYE!!!!!"
The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give usall your valuables!" The chief pirate then raiseda syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject youwith the AIDS virus!"
Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.
Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates.Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.
Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!" The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Bengwith the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.
In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus.Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared,what... I got condom!!!"
---------------------------------
2. Ah Beng went hiking and saw a cave and wentin.Inside the cave he picked up a lamp.He laughed and said, "Ho say leow, kio tiok kim!"and began rubbing the lamp.And 'poot!' Out came a genie from the lamp.
The genie then granted Ah Beng 3 wishes.
Without thinking carefully, Ah Beng said ' si milan cheow also want.' So the genie stuck all sorts of penises all over Ah Beng's body.
Shocked and disgusted, Ah Beng then said, "This time si mi lan cheow also do'wan."So the genie quickly granted Ah Beng's 2nd wish.And with a 'poot!' all the penises disappeared from Ah Beng's body, including his own.
Even more shocked this time, Ah Beng said, "Iwantmy own last time lan cheow back."And with a final 'poot!', Ah Beng got exactly whathe wished for: the penis he had when he was a baby.
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3. A long time ago, Ah Beng found himself as asailor on board an ang-mor explorer's ship.One day, in the crow's nest, he spotted anuncharted island.
He quickly scurried down, andknocked on the captain's door."Eh, Captain!" he said eagerly. "There got new island, leh! What should we call it?"However, the Captain was at the time making love to a woman passenger, who was in the throes ofpassion.
Ah Beng heard the woman wail to the Captain, "Put it in, dear! In, dear! In, dear!"And thus, India got its name.
Ah Beng later found himself serving on-board Christopher Columbus' ships.One day, the crew spotted a new continent. Ah Bengwas below decks, when Columbus summoned the crew on deck. As Columbus asked, "What shall we name this newworld?", Ah Beng scrambled up and said in Cantonese, "Hai meh leh ka?" ("What'shappening?")
And thus, America got its name.
-----------------------------------------
4. An American, A Briton and a Singaporean wereallies in a war and, unfortunately, were cornered by the enemy. The only way to the safe zone was by dashing through 100m of no-man's-land, where thetrio risked being gunned down by enemy snipers.
The Briton decided to give it a try first, and started dashing with all his might towards the 100m end mark. Upon reaching 90m, he was shot. As he fell, he shouted, "God save the Queen!" and fell dead.
The American decided to go next and blazed towardsthe safe zone. 80m...85m...90m...95m...BANG! Hewas shot as well. As he fell, he shouted, "For Liberty!" and fell dead.
The Singaporean was next and he ran faster thanheever did in his whole life. 80m... 85m... 90m...95m... 96m... 97m.. 98m... 99m.... BANG! He was shot too, and as he fell, he shouted,
"KAN NI NABU CHAO CHEE BYE!!!!!"
Naughty boy
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
The choice of George Bush
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
I would be....
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad's a drunkard and your mom's a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad's a drunkard and your mom's a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
The Apples
One day a man was takind a drive through the country. As he drove alond he sees a sign on the side of the road that says, "APPLES 5 DOLLARS EACH".
Doing a double take the man screeches his car to a stop. He approaches the man and says, "Why the hell are these apples 5 dollars each?" the apple salesman says,"These are special apples. These apples tate like Ham and Cheese. Here try one" The man takes a bit and says "This is incredible!! I taste the ham , but wheres the cheese??" The salesman replies,"Turn the apple over and bite the other side." The man bites the other side and low and behold he tatses the cheese. He buys a dozen and drives off.
About a mile up the road he sees another sign that says"APPLES 10 DOLLARS EACH"
Almost driving off the road he stops and says to the salesman " Why the fuck are these apples 10 dollars each???!!!" The salesman replies,"These are VERY special apples. These taste like Penut Butter and Jelly. Here try one." The man excitedly bite the apple and only tastes the peanut butter. The salesman says,"Turn it around and bite the other side." Low and behold theres the jelly. The man buys a dozen gets back in his car and drives off.
Another mile up the road he sees a sign that says,"APPLES 50 DOLLARS EACH". At this point the man is ready to drive his car into a tree and stops to a crazy halt. He says"WHAT THE FUCK IS SPECIAL ABOUT AN APPLE THAT YOU HAVE TO CHARGE 5O FUCKIN DOLLARS A PIECE??????"The salesman repies,"These are VERY VERY special apples. These apples taste like pussy." "here try one" he says.
The man takes a bite and says,"BLECCCHHHHH!!!THIS APPLE TATSE LIKE SHIT!!!!!!!!"
The salesman says,"I know. You bit the wrong side."
Doing a double take the man screeches his car to a stop. He approaches the man and says, "Why the hell are these apples 5 dollars each?" the apple salesman says,"These are special apples. These apples tate like Ham and Cheese. Here try one" The man takes a bit and says "This is incredible!! I taste the ham , but wheres the cheese??" The salesman replies,"Turn the apple over and bite the other side." The man bites the other side and low and behold he tatses the cheese. He buys a dozen and drives off.
About a mile up the road he sees another sign that says"APPLES 10 DOLLARS EACH"
Almost driving off the road he stops and says to the salesman " Why the fuck are these apples 10 dollars each???!!!" The salesman replies,"These are VERY special apples. These taste like Penut Butter and Jelly. Here try one." The man excitedly bite the apple and only tastes the peanut butter. The salesman says,"Turn it around and bite the other side." Low and behold theres the jelly. The man buys a dozen gets back in his car and drives off.
Another mile up the road he sees a sign that says,"APPLES 50 DOLLARS EACH". At this point the man is ready to drive his car into a tree and stops to a crazy halt. He says"WHAT THE FUCK IS SPECIAL ABOUT AN APPLE THAT YOU HAVE TO CHARGE 5O FUCKIN DOLLARS A PIECE??????"The salesman repies,"These are VERY VERY special apples. These apples taste like pussy." "here try one" he says.
The man takes a bite and says,"BLECCCHHHHH!!!THIS APPLE TATSE LIKE SHIT!!!!!!!!"
The salesman says,"I know. You bit the wrong side."
Mother get 3 shots...
A women was pregnant with triplets.
Anyway one day she goes into this bank. the bank is being held up. she gets shot 3 times in her stomach!! luckily she lives. she goes to the doctor. he says her children will be all right & one day the bullets will come out.
so 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"so the mother tells her the story.
The next day the next daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
The next day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?"
he replies "no, i was jerking off and i shot the dog!"
Anyway one day she goes into this bank. the bank is being held up. she gets shot 3 times in her stomach!! luckily she lives. she goes to the doctor. he says her children will be all right & one day the bullets will come out.
so 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"so the mother tells her the story.
The next day the next daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
The next day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?"
he replies "no, i was jerking off and i shot the dog!"
Catholic School Girls
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched with the tip of my finger..." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Yolanda sticks her ass in it!"
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Yolanda sticks her ass in it!"
What is SEX ?
one day, little jonny asked his mom what sex was.
"Tonight, go into your sister's room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do."
The following morning, jonny's mom asked what happened.
little jonny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing.but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot. So sister's boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would. except he's not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath. his other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick- a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend's pants somehow. it just jumped out of his pants and stodd there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away. when sis saw it, she got really scared- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that.
she said it was the biggest one she had ever seen; i should tell her about the ones by the lake. anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. all fo the sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again. sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel. the eel put on a heck of a fight. sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel! i knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out. sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway! he started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn't dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. after a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. i knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel it's skin off and flush it down the toilet!"
little jonny's mom fainted
"Tonight, go into your sister's room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do."
The following morning, jonny's mom asked what happened.
little jonny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing.but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot. So sister's boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would. except he's not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath. his other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick- a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend's pants somehow. it just jumped out of his pants and stodd there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away. when sis saw it, she got really scared- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that.
she said it was the biggest one she had ever seen; i should tell her about the ones by the lake. anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. all fo the sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again. sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel. the eel put on a heck of a fight. sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel! i knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out. sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway! he started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn't dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. after a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. i knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel it's skin off and flush it down the toilet!"
little jonny's mom fainted
fUnny gh0st st0ry
two ghost met and both chat about how they died.
1st ghost : how u died?
2nd ghost : i died of cold
1st ghost : how does it feel when dying in cold?
2nd ghost : actually i was imprison in refrigerator. at first i was shivering, then my whole body started to frozen, later i felt the whole world was dark and i died. fortunately, i died with not much suffering.
1st ghost : what a pity for u....
2nd ghost : how about u? how u died?
1st ghost : i died of heart attacked.
2nd ghost : i see, how u had a heart attacked?
1st ghost : actually i found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. one day when i came back from work, i saw a pair of male shoes outside of my house. then i realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. when i rush into the bedroom, my wife was alone. i must find where that ??????? is hiding. so i search the toilet, i ran to downstairs, look in the storeroom, but the ??????? was not found. so, i ran upstairs and search the wardrobe, but i found nothing. because i was too tired of running, i got heart attacked and died.
2nd ghost : why not u look for the ??????? in the fridge? if you did, both of us were alive now!
Got the joke ?
1st ghost = the husband
2nd ghost = the *another man*
1st ghost wanted to look for 2nd ghost but he was too tired of running and died with heart attack,2nd ghost wanted to hide from 1st ghost and he kept himself in the fridge and cold to death
1st ghost : how u died?
2nd ghost : i died of cold
1st ghost : how does it feel when dying in cold?
2nd ghost : actually i was imprison in refrigerator. at first i was shivering, then my whole body started to frozen, later i felt the whole world was dark and i died. fortunately, i died with not much suffering.
1st ghost : what a pity for u....
2nd ghost : how about u? how u died?
1st ghost : i died of heart attacked.
2nd ghost : i see, how u had a heart attacked?
1st ghost : actually i found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. one day when i came back from work, i saw a pair of male shoes outside of my house. then i realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. when i rush into the bedroom, my wife was alone. i must find where that ??????? is hiding. so i search the toilet, i ran to downstairs, look in the storeroom, but the ??????? was not found. so, i ran upstairs and search the wardrobe, but i found nothing. because i was too tired of running, i got heart attacked and died.
2nd ghost : why not u look for the ??????? in the fridge? if you did, both of us were alive now!
Got the joke ?
1st ghost = the husband
2nd ghost = the *another man*
1st ghost wanted to look for 2nd ghost but he was too tired of running and died with heart attack,2nd ghost wanted to hide from 1st ghost and he kept himself in the fridge and cold to death
First Time Nude
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
Got the joke ?
The wife find his water gun too small
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
Got the joke ?
The wife find his water gun too small
The poor eyesight man
There is a man with his wife go to clinic to see doctor due to the man poor eyesight.
So, they went to see the doctor and here is the conversation.
Wife : My husband seem like getting mad and crazy now a days doctor, you go to have a conversation with him for a while.
Doctor : Ok, I would try to talk with him and see where goes wrong.
So, the doctor and the man have a conversation...
Man : I am so fortunate enough for a god to likes me very much, everytime at night when I go to pissed at toilet. The light at toilet would switch on automatically to enable me to see it. Don't you think this is such a bless ?
Doctor : Yeah, you are right. Is such a bless to have the god to likes you very much until it switch on the light at the toilet for you to see. If you don't mind, would you go outside and let me have a talk with your wife ? So, the man go outside....
Doctor : I think your husband have some mental problem and have to be send hospital. I don't think is because of his eyesight problem because he told me that everytime he go to pissed at toilet at night, the god would switch on the light for him.
Wife : No wonder, now I know who is the one who pissed infront of the refrigerator.
So, they went to see the doctor and here is the conversation.
Wife : My husband seem like getting mad and crazy now a days doctor, you go to have a conversation with him for a while.
Doctor : Ok, I would try to talk with him and see where goes wrong.
So, the doctor and the man have a conversation...
Man : I am so fortunate enough for a god to likes me very much, everytime at night when I go to pissed at toilet. The light at toilet would switch on automatically to enable me to see it. Don't you think this is such a bless ?
Doctor : Yeah, you are right. Is such a bless to have the god to likes you very much until it switch on the light at the toilet for you to see. If you don't mind, would you go outside and let me have a talk with your wife ? So, the man go outside....
Doctor : I think your husband have some mental problem and have to be send hospital. I don't think is because of his eyesight problem because he told me that everytime he go to pissed at toilet at night, the god would switch on the light for him.
Wife : No wonder, now I know who is the one who pissed infront of the refrigerator.
A Trip To The Doctor's Office
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked!
"You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open." HaHa - What were you thinking?
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked!
"You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open." HaHa - What were you thinking?
Miss Universe....
WHY SINGAPOREAN GALS CAN'T WIN MISSUNIVERSE TITLE
No wonder our girls could not get the "MissUniverse Title" .
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their MissUniverse representative wereof tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.
It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and MissSingapore are being asked 3 simple questions.
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with theletter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances;Now,name me an animal startingwith the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!MC: Your next chance.
The name of a famous car that starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance!Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence,smiles andsays: LIEWLIAN!!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems with the letter "L", theydecided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L".
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!
No wonder our girls could not get the "MissUniverse Title" .
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their MissUniverse representative wereof tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.
It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and MissSingapore are being asked 3 simple questions.
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with theletter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances;Now,name me an animal startingwith the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!MC: Your next chance.
The name of a famous car that starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance!Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence,smiles andsays: LIEWLIAN!!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems with the letter "L", theydecided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L".
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!
Nice simple joke!
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
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Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you ! expect me to do, call a lifeguard?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller
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Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
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1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of thewindow!2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
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Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
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Teacher : Correct the sentence,"A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
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Man : Where are you from?
Woman : U.S.A.
Man : Are you here on vacation?
Woman : No lah! I'm here for lunch.
Man : What!!! All the way from United States of America!!!
Woman : No lah! Upper Serangoon Avenue.
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Question : Why did you throw the butter out of the window ?
Answer : I wanted to see a butterfly.
Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you ! expect me to do, call a lifeguard?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of thewindow!2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Teacher : Correct the sentence,"A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Man : Where are you from?
Woman : U.S.A.
Man : Are you here on vacation?
Woman : No lah! I'm here for lunch.
Man : What!!! All the way from United States of America!!!
Woman : No lah! Upper Serangoon Avenue.
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Question : Why did you throw the butter out of the window ?
Answer : I wanted to see a butterfly.
Test for the Monk
One Day,The Head of a temple days are going to come(death),he decided he had no choice but to elect a new head for the temple, so he ask all his disciples n monks to gather,So he started...
As you all noe i am going to pass away soon..my position will go to one of u all..I cannot choose u all randomly so i will be giving u all a test..as u all noe we monks are not allowed to have any sexual relationship or sexual feeling..Now u all follow me to a room where the test shall begin..(Everyone was seated..and the head puts a drum on everyone's lap..)
Soon..a veri hot naked woman..came in..n so the head said..i will now ask this woman to dance...not even 1 minit when the woman started dancing..everyone's drum started to go dum dum dum....
The head felt dissapointed as everyone was erracting...except one..man on the last..he suddenly felt happy..
he took up the mans drum...n found it had a hole in it..n so he fainted..
(he erracted to hard so the drum broke)
As you all noe i am going to pass away soon..my position will go to one of u all..I cannot choose u all randomly so i will be giving u all a test..as u all noe we monks are not allowed to have any sexual relationship or sexual feeling..Now u all follow me to a room where the test shall begin..(Everyone was seated..and the head puts a drum on everyone's lap..)
Soon..a veri hot naked woman..came in..n so the head said..i will now ask this woman to dance...not even 1 minit when the woman started dancing..everyone's drum started to go dum dum dum....
The head felt dissapointed as everyone was erracting...except one..man on the last..he suddenly felt happy..
he took up the mans drum...n found it had a hole in it..n so he fainted..
(he erracted to hard so the drum broke)
Take it back
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I Turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts . As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. So, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, " Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have a change of clothes for him." Then I said, "Danny are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "NO," he replied. I just KNEW he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I Turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts . As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. So, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, " Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have a change of clothes for him." Then I said, "Danny are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "NO," he replied. I just KNEW he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
"Good relationship of parents"
It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association.
'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,' she tells the children.
So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavor is that?'
The whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.''Very good,' the teacher replies.
So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.''Very good,' she says again.
Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.
'Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!'
'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,' she tells the children.
So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavor is that?'
The whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.''Very good,' the teacher replies.
So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.''Very good,' she says again.
Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.
'Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!'
So much supply = no need anymore
3 men...a bangladeshi, an indonesian and a malaysian was in a bar in malaysia. they sit near to each other and all 3 of them have a glass of drink in front of them.
Then the bangladeshi, brimming with confidence, finish his drink, threw his glass up to the air, take a gun out and shoot it. then he say "In bangladesh, we have so much sand to make glass that we need not drink from the same glass twice."
then the indonesian, unimpressed with his fellow counterpart, finish his drink , threw the glass up the air , take a gun out and shoot .then he say " in indonesia, glass is so cheap that we need not drink from the same glass twice."
next the malaysian....cool as ever..finish his drink ...threw his glass up the air ....took out a gun and shoot both the indonesian and bangladeshi and say " IN MALAYSIA, WE HAVE SO MANY INDONS AND BANGLAS THAT WE NEED NOT DRINK WITH THE SAME PERSON TWICE".
Then the bangladeshi, brimming with confidence, finish his drink, threw his glass up to the air, take a gun out and shoot it. then he say "In bangladesh, we have so much sand to make glass that we need not drink from the same glass twice."
then the indonesian, unimpressed with his fellow counterpart, finish his drink , threw the glass up the air , take a gun out and shoot .then he say " in indonesia, glass is so cheap that we need not drink from the same glass twice."
next the malaysian....cool as ever..finish his drink ...threw his glass up the air ....took out a gun and shoot both the indonesian and bangladeshi and say " IN MALAYSIA, WE HAVE SO MANY INDONS AND BANGLAS THAT WE NEED NOT DRINK WITH THE SAME PERSON TWICE".
World War 3
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in asks the barman."Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says,"Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, " We're planning World War 3".
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you, no one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
A guy walks in asks the barman."Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says,"Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, " We're planning World War 3".
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you, no one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
18SX Joke
Friends are like underwear, always a comfort.Good friends are like condom always protecting. Great friends are like viagra, lift you up when you are down. ************************************************************
The sad life of a penis " I only have one eye, my hair is a mess, my skin is wrinkly, my relatives are nuts, my neighbor's an a**hole and my best friend's a pu**y." ************************************************************
Engineering.Why are WOMEN the best ENGINEERS in the WORLD?Because they can DEMOLISH an ERECTION without damaging the STRUCTURE! ************************************************************
Don't make love to a policewoman; she will say "STOP".Don't make love to a nurse, she will say "NEXT", but make love to a bus conductor, she will say,"MASUK DALAM LAGI!!" ************************************************************
Man : I wanna buy condom Salesgirl : May I hold your penis for size? Give him a 'M'. Wait...Give him 'L'..wait...give him 'XL'...Oh shit.... Give me a TISSUE..... ************************************************************
An Arab interview at the US Checkpoint. Officer: Your name please? Arab Guy: Abdul Aziz Officer: Sex? Arab Guy: Six times a week. Officer: I mean male or female? Arab Guy: Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel. ************************************************************
Dracula asks God " May I reincarnate into a white angel with wings and still suck blood?" God said "OK, I'll turn you into a KOTEX!" ************************************************************
Teacher : Why you rub oil on your head whenever I am teaching? Student : Last night, I heard my mum told my dad, rub oil on the HEAD. If not, cannot go in. ************************************************************
British aged 90 married a 16 years old. He had baby every year and bragged that his engine was turbo. When the fifth was born, the nurse said "Check engine oil, baby is black". ************************************************************
A man went to the hospital for a checkup. The doctor said he has penis cancer. He went home, upset, shouted at his wife with anger, "SEE, I TOLD YOU TO STOP SMOKING!" ************************************************************
Farmer ordered a MILKING MACHINE. Tried it on his penis and had a wonderful orgasm, but can't remove it. So, he reads the manual and faints. It says "AUTO RELEASE AFTER 2 LITRES".
************************************************************
Teacher : Why do cow look depressed when being milked? Student : Madam, if someone rubs and squeeze your breasts for 2 hours but don't f**k you, how would you feel? ************************************************************
Woman asked god to make the penis pretty. He said no way. Now it's ugly and you suck it. If it is pretty, you would eat it. ************************************************************
The sad life of a penis " I only have one eye, my hair is a mess, my skin is wrinkly, my relatives are nuts, my neighbor's an a**hole and my best friend's a pu**y." ************************************************************
Engineering.Why are WOMEN the best ENGINEERS in the WORLD?Because they can DEMOLISH an ERECTION without damaging the STRUCTURE! ************************************************************
Don't make love to a policewoman; she will say "STOP".Don't make love to a nurse, she will say "NEXT", but make love to a bus conductor, she will say,"MASUK DALAM LAGI!!" ************************************************************
Man : I wanna buy condom Salesgirl : May I hold your penis for size? Give him a 'M'. Wait...Give him 'L'..wait...give him 'XL'...Oh shit.... Give me a TISSUE..... ************************************************************
An Arab interview at the US Checkpoint. Officer: Your name please? Arab Guy: Abdul Aziz Officer: Sex? Arab Guy: Six times a week. Officer: I mean male or female? Arab Guy: Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel. ************************************************************
Dracula asks God " May I reincarnate into a white angel with wings and still suck blood?" God said "OK, I'll turn you into a KOTEX!" ************************************************************
Teacher : Why you rub oil on your head whenever I am teaching? Student : Last night, I heard my mum told my dad, rub oil on the HEAD. If not, cannot go in. ************************************************************
British aged 90 married a 16 years old. He had baby every year and bragged that his engine was turbo. When the fifth was born, the nurse said "Check engine oil, baby is black". ************************************************************
A man went to the hospital for a checkup. The doctor said he has penis cancer. He went home, upset, shouted at his wife with anger, "SEE, I TOLD YOU TO STOP SMOKING!" ************************************************************
Farmer ordered a MILKING MACHINE. Tried it on his penis and had a wonderful orgasm, but can't remove it. So, he reads the manual and faints. It says "AUTO RELEASE AFTER 2 LITRES".
************************************************************
Teacher : Why do cow look depressed when being milked? Student : Madam, if someone rubs and squeeze your breasts for 2 hours but don't f**k you, how would you feel? ************************************************************
Woman asked god to make the penis pretty. He said no way. Now it's ugly and you suck it. If it is pretty, you would eat it. ************************************************************
Q up
Police had a spot check operation on a night club, they took all the girl back to police station for taking report. because there is too many girl, so police ask them to Q-up and taking report one by one.
There's a old-woman pass by the police station and she feel very surprise when she saw this, so she ask those girl what happened to them. because those girl feel shame to say that they caught by police because working at night club, so they say "we are waiting for free sweet."
The old woman thinking "woah free, i also want", so the old woman also follow Q-up. the police was so surprise when the turn of this old woman, and the police say "what...... u still can....??"
The old woman say "dont look down at me, i know i am old, but i still can lick!"
Got the joke ?
The old woman thought policeman asking her about eating sweet
There's a old-woman pass by the police station and she feel very surprise when she saw this, so she ask those girl what happened to them. because those girl feel shame to say that they caught by police because working at night club, so they say "we are waiting for free sweet."
The old woman thinking "woah free, i also want", so the old woman also follow Q-up. the police was so surprise when the turn of this old woman, and the police say "what...... u still can....??"
The old woman say "dont look down at me, i know i am old, but i still can lick!"
Got the joke ?
The old woman thought policeman asking her about eating sweet
Take off the cloth
Once upon a time, theres a pretty little girl, because of his family, she have to stay in her uncle house which still single. Both of them look like normal at home.
One day, the little girl finally cannot tahan and she rush to her uncle room.....
"Uncle, i cannot tahan anymore..... pls take off my shirt......". her uncle feel very surprise but he follow what she said....
"Please take off my skirt also.......", her uncle still follow what she said. "
and also........take off my bra.....slowly......". her uncle stop for while, but he still take off the bra.
"and lastly....... my underwear......" and finally uncle also take it off slowly.......The girl shamelly say ,
"ok... start from now........please dont wear my cloth anymore........"
One day, the little girl finally cannot tahan and she rush to her uncle room.....
"Uncle, i cannot tahan anymore..... pls take off my shirt......". her uncle feel very surprise but he follow what she said....
"Please take off my skirt also.......", her uncle still follow what she said. "
and also........take off my bra.....slowly......". her uncle stop for while, but he still take off the bra.
"and lastly....... my underwear......" and finally uncle also take it off slowly.......The girl shamelly say ,
"ok... start from now........please dont wear my cloth anymore........"
Man on the beach
There was this man at a beach naked reading a newspaper while sitting looking at the sea....When he was reading sudenly a very hot girl went pass by.....*note the girl doesn't noe all the Dirty things.....
While the girl walked pass....The man's dick erracted..The man covered his dick with the newspaper.The girl was curius and asked the man...
Girl: "Can i know what is under that newspaper?"
the man replied "It is a bird"
Then the girl walked away and the man sleeped....A couple hours later when the man waked up...He was laying in a hospital bed....He then asked the nurse what happen....The nurse didn't know what happen...Then the man remembered about the girl....
So when the girl was called and came to the hospital....The girl explained and said this..."I saw you sleeping and went to see the bird...Then i played with that bird...The bird spat on me.....I was angry and broke that birds neck...Bite of the eggs...And cut off the nest...."
While the girl walked pass....The man's dick erracted..The man covered his dick with the newspaper.The girl was curius and asked the man...
Girl: "Can i know what is under that newspaper?"
the man replied "It is a bird"
Then the girl walked away and the man sleeped....A couple hours later when the man waked up...He was laying in a hospital bed....He then asked the nurse what happen....The nurse didn't know what happen...Then the man remembered about the girl....
So when the girl was called and came to the hospital....The girl explained and said this..."I saw you sleeping and went to see the bird...Then i played with that bird...The bird spat on me.....I was angry and broke that birds neck...Bite of the eggs...And cut off the nest...."
Tight Mini Skirt
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
A girls first time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
Scroll down , please
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
Scroll down , please
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
"Tell me what happen..."
Little Johnny seen his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mummy.
"Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mummy cut him off and said,
"Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mummy prompted little Johnny to tell his story. So Johnny started his story
"I saw Daddy's car going into the woods and I followed and seen him with Aunt Jane and they were kissing and undressing, then Aunt Jane lay down on the back seat and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mummy.
"Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mummy cut him off and said,
"Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mummy prompted little Johnny to tell his story. So Johnny started his story
"I saw Daddy's car going into the woods and I followed and seen him with Aunt Jane and they were kissing and undressing, then Aunt Jane lay down on the back seat and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The Male Chicken
A man bought many female chickens and hope them to lay eggs and bring profits to him but all the chickens were so lazy and none lay eggs so the man go and find a profesional and asked bout the question......the pro told him that the chickens din lay eggs because they require some male chicken to give fun to them ....if they feel happy they will lay eggs....
As the man almost spent all his money to buy female chickens he left only the money to buy a male chicken....he have to buy so he bought one male chicken and put it among the female chickens.....
The male chickens exhausted very fast becoz there is too many female chickens........finally the man thought of one way ...he took out his viagra let feed to the male chicken.....
After it ate the viagra it really become very tough and manage to make fun for all the female chicken in one day....all the chicken now very happy and lay eggs everyday.....however the power of viagra wasn't that low.....
it make the male chicken to jump over the fence and make fun hundreds of the female ducks there in the second day....the third day it even fly over the river and make funn hundred of goose there....
in the forth day the man saw the male chicken lying on the ground,seems dying and there's few eagle flying around on top of the chickens.....
the man feel thankful and sorry for the chicken so he decided to bury it...he walk near it and say:"sorry i made u like that....."
"shh...silent....!!!!when those eagle come down i gonna f**k all of them!!!"The chicken replied
As the man almost spent all his money to buy female chickens he left only the money to buy a male chicken....he have to buy so he bought one male chicken and put it among the female chickens.....
The male chickens exhausted very fast becoz there is too many female chickens........finally the man thought of one way ...he took out his viagra let feed to the male chicken.....
After it ate the viagra it really become very tough and manage to make fun for all the female chicken in one day....all the chicken now very happy and lay eggs everyday.....however the power of viagra wasn't that low.....
it make the male chicken to jump over the fence and make fun hundreds of the female ducks there in the second day....the third day it even fly over the river and make funn hundred of goose there....
in the forth day the man saw the male chicken lying on the ground,seems dying and there's few eagle flying around on top of the chickens.....
the man feel thankful and sorry for the chicken so he decided to bury it...he walk near it and say:"sorry i made u like that....."
"shh...silent....!!!!when those eagle come down i gonna f**k all of them!!!"The chicken replied
A Lesson To Hamsap People
One day, Boss Wang and Boss Chin meet together and talk since they are friend.
Wang: Hi there.
Chin: Oh hi, why today you look so sad?
Wang: Oh, it is becuz last night, my secretery invite me to her home.
Chin: Wah, so good ar. Your secretery so leng lui wo, very liang moi la but why you so sad today?
Wang: When I go to her home, she call me stay in the living room for 5 minutes then go into her bedroom, she have surprise to give me.
Chin: Wasai, and then?
Wang: When I go into her bedroom, I see all my staffs in my cooperation is there and my secretery hands me a birthday cake.
Chin: Also not bad la, that's mean your staffs are loyal to you and I think it is not bad to have ppl celebrate your birthday. But why you so sad?
Wang: It is because when I go into her bedroom, I already put all my clothes away, I AM NAKED!!!!
Got the joke ?
The boss think his secretery want to have sex with him so he put all clothes away then now all his staffs see his naked body , he feel malu lo.
Wang: Hi there.
Chin: Oh hi, why today you look so sad?
Wang: Oh, it is becuz last night, my secretery invite me to her home.
Chin: Wah, so good ar. Your secretery so leng lui wo, very liang moi la but why you so sad today?
Wang: When I go to her home, she call me stay in the living room for 5 minutes then go into her bedroom, she have surprise to give me.
Chin: Wasai, and then?
Wang: When I go into her bedroom, I see all my staffs in my cooperation is there and my secretery hands me a birthday cake.
Chin: Also not bad la, that's mean your staffs are loyal to you and I think it is not bad to have ppl celebrate your birthday. But why you so sad?
Wang: It is because when I go into her bedroom, I already put all my clothes away, I AM NAKED!!!!
Got the joke ?
The boss think his secretery want to have sex with him so he put all clothes away then now all his staffs see his naked body , he feel malu lo.
Wishing swimming pool
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" And immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."
Got the joke ?
The American will now swim inside the SHIT pool since he ask for it when he was wishing...
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" And immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."
Got the joke ?
The American will now swim inside the SHIT pool since he ask for it when he was wishing...
Are you -ese or -kee ?
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?" The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled,"What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!,etc......?"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of 'key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled,"What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!,etc......?"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of 'key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
The stupid man and his Female Pigs
The man bought a few pig another day....male and female......but seems the female pig never give birth and never f**k.......so he find professional and the pro told him he should artificially fertilized them......the man dun really know what it means but he pretended knowing.....and the pro told him again if the pig one day roll themselves in mud that means that they are having babies......
When the man go back to his yard....he send all the female pigs onto his trucks and fetch them into the forest and f**k them....so call artificial fertilizing he thoughts...... He do it all by himself (Man to Pigs)
but the second day none of the pig roll in the mud....he thought he did f**k enough hard so he send all them onto the trucks again and sent inside forest.....fucked hardly on all of them.....
no effects on third day too so he sent all them into forest again and f**k two times hardly on each pig again.........this make him exhausted and lay on his bed juz when he reach home and unable to get up again....
he told his wife the forth day to go and see whether the pig got roll in the mud or not.....the wife go and back to told him that none of those pigs roll in the mud but all the female pigs get on his trucks and waiting unpatiently.....
Got the joke ?
The female pigs all enjoy the man f**king ~ wow...they are now waiting for him ..haha
When the man go back to his yard....he send all the female pigs onto his trucks and fetch them into the forest and f**k them....so call artificial fertilizing he thoughts...... He do it all by himself (Man to Pigs)
but the second day none of the pig roll in the mud....he thought he did f**k enough hard so he send all them onto the trucks again and sent inside forest.....fucked hardly on all of them.....
no effects on third day too so he sent all them into forest again and f**k two times hardly on each pig again.........this make him exhausted and lay on his bed juz when he reach home and unable to get up again....
he told his wife the forth day to go and see whether the pig got roll in the mud or not.....the wife go and back to told him that none of those pigs roll in the mud but all the female pigs get on his trucks and waiting unpatiently.....
Got the joke ?
The female pigs all enjoy the man f**king ~ wow...they are now waiting for him ..haha
where did I come from ? (IT version)
Child: Dad, where did I come from ?
Dad: OK, we had to have this conversation some day! Dad and Mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your Mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then, Mom did some downloads from Dad's memory stick and when Dad was ready to upload, we discovered that there was no firewall. Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn virus appeared !
Child: Huh ??
Got the joke ?
Virus = Baby
Dad: OK, we had to have this conversation some day! Dad and Mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your Mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then, Mom did some downloads from Dad's memory stick and when Dad was ready to upload, we discovered that there was no firewall. Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn virus appeared !
Child: Huh ??
Got the joke ?
Virus = Baby
Adam , the GOD and the 2 stones
One day, Adam told God that he's so bored because there's nothing to do.
God thought of something and told Adam to get two rocks. Adam picked up two "small" rocks and handed it to God.
God said, "Adam those two rocks will be your "bread" for the rest of the year. Adam was pissed.
The next day, God told Adam to pick up two rocks again. Adam talking to himself said "You're not going to fool me this time" and picked up two "huge" rocks. Adam slowly rolled the rocks to God and said, "here you go God, what do you want me to do with these?". God said, "I want you to bring it up to the mountain".
On the third day, Adam was resting as he was so tired. God told him again to pick up two rocks.
This time Adam was grinning and said to himself, "NO WAY YOU'RE GOING TO FOOL ME THIS TIME" and picked up one "small" and one "big" rock.
Brought it over to God and asked, "What shall I do with these (smiling)?
God said, from now on those will be your "BALLS".
God thought of something and told Adam to get two rocks. Adam picked up two "small" rocks and handed it to God.
God said, "Adam those two rocks will be your "bread" for the rest of the year. Adam was pissed.
The next day, God told Adam to pick up two rocks again. Adam talking to himself said "You're not going to fool me this time" and picked up two "huge" rocks. Adam slowly rolled the rocks to God and said, "here you go God, what do you want me to do with these?". God said, "I want you to bring it up to the mountain".
On the third day, Adam was resting as he was so tired. God told him again to pick up two rocks.
This time Adam was grinning and said to himself, "NO WAY YOU'RE GOING TO FOOL ME THIS TIME" and picked up one "small" and one "big" rock.
Brought it over to God and asked, "What shall I do with these (smiling)?
God said, from now on those will be your "BALLS".
Heaven or Hell (Which one do you Qualify to go ? )
One day, 3 men die at the same time and they see the Demon in front of them.
Demon: You three can ask me a question, if I answer it correctly, you will go to the hell but if my answer is wrong, you can go to heaven.
The 1st man is a RO freaks so he ask the Demon about RO.
1st Man: What is the name of the program that can make you SPAM skill?
Demon: Speedhack!
The Demon answer in 1 seconds and the 1st man is going to hell.
The 2nd man is a mathematics pro so he ask a math question but the Demon answer correctly and he is going to hell too.
The 3rd man is a stupid man, he don't know anything. He ask the Demon for a chair then he make 15 holes on the chair and he sits on the chair. Then the 3rd man farts on the chair.
3rd Man: My question is where my fart goes out?Demon: The hole on the center of the chair.The Demon has a evil smile on his face because he think he was right but he was WRONG.
3rd Man: The answer is MY ASSHOLE
The 3rd man is going to heaven.
Demon: You three can ask me a question, if I answer it correctly, you will go to the hell but if my answer is wrong, you can go to heaven.
The 1st man is a RO freaks so he ask the Demon about RO.
1st Man: What is the name of the program that can make you SPAM skill?
Demon: Speedhack!
The Demon answer in 1 seconds and the 1st man is going to hell.
The 2nd man is a mathematics pro so he ask a math question but the Demon answer correctly and he is going to hell too.
The 3rd man is a stupid man, he don't know anything. He ask the Demon for a chair then he make 15 holes on the chair and he sits on the chair. Then the 3rd man farts on the chair.
3rd Man: My question is where my fart goes out?Demon: The hole on the center of the chair.The Demon has a evil smile on his face because he think he was right but he was WRONG.
3rd Man: The answer is MY ASSHOLE
The 3rd man is going to heaven.
Monkey see . Monkey do
There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back from the market. The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.
A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he realized was that all his hats was gone. He heard some monkeys on the tree and so he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The hat-seller sits down and think of how he can get the hats down. He think and think and start scratching his head.
The next moment, he realized that the monkeys were doing the same action. Next, he took down his own hat and an himself and the monkeys do exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and throw it on the floor and the monkeys do that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realized that the monkeys had taken all the hats.
He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys follows. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, JACK threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still hold on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor,gave him a slap and said
"You think only you have a grandfather?".
A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he realized was that all his hats was gone. He heard some monkeys on the tree and so he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The hat-seller sits down and think of how he can get the hats down. He think and think and start scratching his head.
The next moment, he realized that the monkeys were doing the same action. Next, he took down his own hat and an himself and the monkeys do exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and throw it on the floor and the monkeys do that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realized that the monkeys had taken all the hats.
He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys follows. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, JACK threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still hold on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor,gave him a slap and said
"You think only you have a grandfather?".
Confusion Conversion
Lee Sum Wan : Hello can i speak to Annie Wan
Mr Sori : Yes u could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan : No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : Im Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Mr Sori : I! know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that is'nt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori : Im Sori.
Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori : Im Sori!!
Lee Sum Wan : I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!
Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already Im Sori! Im Sori!! Im SORI!!! You didnt even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told u before i'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori : Oh i'm so scared(sarcastically). Look i dont care about yr uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan : No, Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.
Mr Sori : Like i said i dont care which one of yr aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis!
Mr. Sori : I don't know which one is yr sis! Why in gods name u think i do!? Look i got work to do and if i'm feeling mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying.
"Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody. "
how bout that!?
Toot....Toot....Toot.................
Mr Sori : Yes u could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan : No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : Im Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Mr Sori : I! know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that is'nt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori : Im Sori.
Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori : Im Sori!!
Lee Sum Wan : I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!
Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already Im Sori! Im Sori!! Im SORI!!! You didnt even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told u before i'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori : Oh i'm so scared(sarcastically). Look i dont care about yr uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan : No, Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.
Mr Sori : Like i said i dont care which one of yr aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis!
Mr. Sori : I don't know which one is yr sis! Why in gods name u think i do!? Look i got work to do and if i'm feeling mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying.
"Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody. "
how bout that!?
Toot....Toot....Toot.................
POEM (Malaysia joke)
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Please read this Malaysia country joke with a OPEN mind , no offend please
(Just for Laugh only)Thank you
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Malaysia semua babi (quite rude, sorry),
our government is so lousy,
make the college becomes no quality,
Chinese and Indian pun tak boleh masuk university.
It never had a choice for me,
because no money cannot study at oversea,
so I always feel i'm so pity.
Every college are greedy,
sini sana all need money,
their pocket kosong our perut noisy,
I am poor because there sucks my money.
Exam question full of difficulty,
it has a reason only,
is to earn more money,
because we retake money masuk lagi.
The staffs always no aksi,
they did wrong never say sorry,
before asking please show your money,
otherwise they wont be happy,
we pay their salary still make us angry.
that's why i wanna study hard to earn more and more money
Tiap-Tiap hari feel so lazy,
never try to wake up early,
always hope college sekarang cuti,
everyday go to class feel so sleepy,
lecturer always scold me lazy.
do assignment just like to copy,
before the final just feel worry,
every nite study until crazy,
because scared scold by mummy.
Why my class always no pretty,
those elephant always show me how she's sexy,
the monster wanna treat me nicely,
like that i better mati.
my looking is damn ugly,
saya mari girl girl lari,
everyday date them they only say busy,
semua orang tak ada hati,
make me always so lonely,
only can watch porno movie.
CS always let people bully,
maybe i am really so lousy,
althought knife people is so happy,
but i am always unlucky,
kena headshot easily,
after mati still mati.
This is just a small story,
typed it simply,
feel funny and happy,
actually i am not lonely,
because I have many friends around me.
THE NEW MALAYSIAN POEM
Can study continue STUDY
Can't study, work FACTORY
Cannot rely on CHARITY
Earn a little SALARY
Just enough 4 daily ROTI
Go work no WIRA but LRT.
Colleagues formerly FRIENDLY
Daily treated to KOPI
Now gradually get CRAZY
Behind me say I LAZY.
Boss has no SYMPATHY
Work always must HURRY
Say I not enough BUSY
Often ask me do OT
Midnight go back by TAXI
TAXI surcharge KILLING ME
Now i pokai and NO MORE MONEY
Borrow from chettia kena EXTRA FEE
Coz money is never FREE
Boy/girl-friend go STEADY
Serious, and then MARRY
Ceremony and PARTY
joker-friends give PANTY
No money sure no HONEY
10 months later be DADDY
Wife at GH birth a BABY
Monthly pay back RHB
Earn not enough FEEL GUILTY
Jump down suicide and MATI
No money 4 funeral how to BURY
Go see God every thing hoping will JADI
Because MALAYSIA BOLEH. SEMUA JADI.
Please read this Malaysia country joke with a OPEN mind , no offend please
(Just for Laugh only)Thank you
**********************************************************
Malaysia semua babi (quite rude, sorry),
our government is so lousy,
make the college becomes no quality,
Chinese and Indian pun tak boleh masuk university.
It never had a choice for me,
because no money cannot study at oversea,
so I always feel i'm so pity.
Every college are greedy,
sini sana all need money,
their pocket kosong our perut noisy,
I am poor because there sucks my money.
Exam question full of difficulty,
it has a reason only,
is to earn more money,
because we retake money masuk lagi.
The staffs always no aksi,
they did wrong never say sorry,
before asking please show your money,
otherwise they wont be happy,
we pay their salary still make us angry.
that's why i wanna study hard to earn more and more money
Tiap-Tiap hari feel so lazy,
never try to wake up early,
always hope college sekarang cuti,
everyday go to class feel so sleepy,
lecturer always scold me lazy.
do assignment just like to copy,
before the final just feel worry,
every nite study until crazy,
because scared scold by mummy.
Why my class always no pretty,
those elephant always show me how she's sexy,
the monster wanna treat me nicely,
like that i better mati.
my looking is damn ugly,
saya mari girl girl lari,
everyday date them they only say busy,
semua orang tak ada hati,
make me always so lonely,
only can watch porno movie.
CS always let people bully,
maybe i am really so lousy,
althought knife people is so happy,
but i am always unlucky,
kena headshot easily,
after mati still mati.
This is just a small story,
typed it simply,
feel funny and happy,
actually i am not lonely,
because I have many friends around me.
THE NEW MALAYSIAN POEM
Can study continue STUDY
Can't study, work FACTORY
Cannot rely on CHARITY
Earn a little SALARY
Just enough 4 daily ROTI
Go work no WIRA but LRT.
Colleagues formerly FRIENDLY
Daily treated to KOPI
Now gradually get CRAZY
Behind me say I LAZY.
Boss has no SYMPATHY
Work always must HURRY
Say I not enough BUSY
Often ask me do OT
Midnight go back by TAXI
TAXI surcharge KILLING ME
Now i pokai and NO MORE MONEY
Borrow from chettia kena EXTRA FEE
Coz money is never FREE
Boy/girl-friend go STEADY
Serious, and then MARRY
Ceremony and PARTY
joker-friends give PANTY
No money sure no HONEY
10 months later be DADDY
Wife at GH birth a BABY
Monthly pay back RHB
Earn not enough FEEL GUILTY
Jump down suicide and MATI
No money 4 funeral how to BURY
Go see God every thing hoping will JADI
Because MALAYSIA BOLEH. SEMUA JADI.
Discoveries from 3 mothers
Moms and Their Snooping
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms!" I didn't even know that she had a penis!
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms!" I didn't even know that she had a penis!
Singapore Airlines Joke
Once upon a time in Singapore, there lived a happy couple, Mr & Mrs Ng with their 3 lovely triplet daughters; Elaine, Ena & Ella.
The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper fashion and when they reached 20, their parents thought it was time to get them married.
So, the parents found them the most suitable " leng chais" ( handsome guys ).
They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon.
As "concerned" (more like "kay-poh") parents, Mr & Mrs Ng were curious about their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs Ng told them......" Your father and I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you were satisfied. Write a letter to us, but so as not to raise your husbands' curiosity...you all must use a code-name to describe your experiences".
So, the excited daughters were off.
A week passed.
Mr & Mrs Ng got the first letter. It was from Elaine.
They opened the letter and found the word "STANDARD CHARTERED". They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement. "Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard Chartered was.... "BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY" Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.
A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the neswpaper and looked for the Nescafe ad. "Ah! here it is. "NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP". Again, Mr & Mrs Ng beamed with joy.
Another week passed. A month passed. And another. There was still no letter from Ella. The Ngs became worried. Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it out. The code-name was "SINGAPORE AIRLINES". Why Singapore Airlines? Mr.Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically. "Ah! Here it is!" Mrs.Ng grabbed the page and read aloud.
Before she could finish ...THUMP!!!...she fell off her chair. The motto was... "7 TIMES A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP."
The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper fashion and when they reached 20, their parents thought it was time to get them married.
So, the parents found them the most suitable " leng chais" ( handsome guys ).
They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon.
As "concerned" (more like "kay-poh") parents, Mr & Mrs Ng were curious about their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs Ng told them......" Your father and I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you were satisfied. Write a letter to us, but so as not to raise your husbands' curiosity...you all must use a code-name to describe your experiences".
So, the excited daughters were off.
A week passed.
Mr & Mrs Ng got the first letter. It was from Elaine.
They opened the letter and found the word "STANDARD CHARTERED". They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement. "Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard Chartered was.... "BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY" Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.
A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the neswpaper and looked for the Nescafe ad. "Ah! here it is. "NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP". Again, Mr & Mrs Ng beamed with joy.
Another week passed. A month passed. And another. There was still no letter from Ella. The Ngs became worried. Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it out. The code-name was "SINGAPORE AIRLINES". Why Singapore Airlines? Mr.Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically. "Ah! Here it is!" Mrs.Ng grabbed the page and read aloud.
Before she could finish ...THUMP!!!...she fell off her chair. The motto was... "7 TIMES A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP."
How Long and Too long
One day,when teacher was teaching spelling..
Teacher:Farah,spell Caterpillar...
Farah:How long do i have?
Teacher:Why??
Farah:Because i want to wait the caterpillar changes into butterfly,i know how to spell that
One day,two children was punished by one teacher...they need to write their names for 500 times..
Teacher:You both need to write 500 times
Amirul:Not FAIR!!
Teacher:Why?
Amirul:My fren's name is Nuek but my name is Muhammad Amirul Shahrul Affandi...you expect me to write that long??!!
Teacher:Farah,spell Caterpillar...
Farah:How long do i have?
Teacher:Why??
Farah:Because i want to wait the caterpillar changes into butterfly,i know how to spell that
One day,two children was punished by one teacher...they need to write their names for 500 times..
Teacher:You both need to write 500 times
Amirul:Not FAIR!!
Teacher:Why?
Amirul:My fren's name is Nuek but my name is Muhammad Amirul Shahrul Affandi...you expect me to write that long??!!
Letter To GOD
LETTER 1:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny.
----------
Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God, This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny.
----------
Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Your friend,
Johnny.
----------
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked because Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny.
----------
Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God, This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny.
----------
Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Your friend,
Johnny.
----------
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked because Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO
A very 'touching' story...
A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days. When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side.
He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with my studies in the University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."
She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..." He added, " ...then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me."
His wife was in tears. The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me..."
His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him, "And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me. There's something I'll really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed and hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion.
Finally her husband said, "I think you bring me bad luck."
He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with my studies in the University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."
She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..." He added, " ...then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me."
His wife was in tears. The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me..."
His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him, "And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me. There's something I'll really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed and hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion.
Finally her husband said, "I think you bring me bad luck."
How do you died ?
Three guys had recently died and were awaiting entrance into Heaven. But St. Peter appeared and informed them that, unfortunately, Heaven was only allowing 33% of applicants in today, due to overpopulation. So, only 1 of the 3 would be allowed in. Whomever died the worst death out of the three would be let in.
St. Peter took the first man aside in private, and let him tell his story:
"'For months I had been suspecting that my wife had been cheating on me. So, one day, I decided to leave home from work early and try to catch her in the act. But when I arrived home, she was in the shower. Suspicious, I searched the house for anybody. And then I found him: He was hanging off my 25th floor balcony hoping I wouldn't see him! Fortunately, there was a hammer nearby and I bashed his fingers. He fell, but--the lucky *******--he didn't die! Outraged, I grabbed my refrigerator and chucked it down on him. It killed him instantly. But then I felt so bad about it, I took a gun and killed myself."
St. Peter thought this was certainly a decent death, and took the second guy aside to hear his story:
"O.K. I live on the 27th floor of my apartment building, and I was out on my balcony getting some fresh air. I yawned and took in a big stretch, and I lost my balance! I fell over the balcony, but--I was so lucky--I managed to grab another room's balcony a couple of stories down. But then, for some reason, this guy came out and bashed my hands with a hammer. I guess he was mad I was hanging off his deck. Anyway, I fell about 25 stories down, but luckier still, I wasn't dead. But as I looked up, I saw that a refrigerator was on its way down to bash me. That's how I died."
St. Peter thought this death was quite tragic, but still took the third guy aside to hear his story.
The third guy started: "Picture this. I'm hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
St. Peter took the first man aside in private, and let him tell his story:
"'For months I had been suspecting that my wife had been cheating on me. So, one day, I decided to leave home from work early and try to catch her in the act. But when I arrived home, she was in the shower. Suspicious, I searched the house for anybody. And then I found him: He was hanging off my 25th floor balcony hoping I wouldn't see him! Fortunately, there was a hammer nearby and I bashed his fingers. He fell, but--the lucky *******--he didn't die! Outraged, I grabbed my refrigerator and chucked it down on him. It killed him instantly. But then I felt so bad about it, I took a gun and killed myself."
St. Peter thought this was certainly a decent death, and took the second guy aside to hear his story:
"O.K. I live on the 27th floor of my apartment building, and I was out on my balcony getting some fresh air. I yawned and took in a big stretch, and I lost my balance! I fell over the balcony, but--I was so lucky--I managed to grab another room's balcony a couple of stories down. But then, for some reason, this guy came out and bashed my hands with a hammer. I guess he was mad I was hanging off his deck. Anyway, I fell about 25 stories down, but luckier still, I wasn't dead. But as I looked up, I saw that a refrigerator was on its way down to bash me. That's how I died."
St. Peter thought this death was quite tragic, but still took the third guy aside to hear his story.
The third guy started: "Picture this. I'm hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
PCK & Aloy, funny oh!
Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius ...
Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ? P
CK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjoyable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !
Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men?
PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right ?
Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?
PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load(road),den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah
Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?
PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah !Use your Blain(brain), use your blainnn ..........
Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love?
PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah.Corlight(correct) or not?
Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?
PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn . you go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!
Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
PCK : Aiyah ...... best in Singapore and JB, and some say Batam also ah !!!
Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ? P
CK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjoyable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !
Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men?
PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right ?
Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?
PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load(road),den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah
Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?
PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah !Use your Blain(brain), use your blainnn ..........
Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love?
PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah.Corlight(correct) or not?
Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?
PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn . you go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!
Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
PCK : Aiyah ...... best in Singapore and JB, and some say Batam also ah !!!
T.G.I.F & S.H.I.T
A nun and a biker were standing in an elevator.
Being the nice person that she was she looked over at him, smiled and said:"T. G. I. F."
The biker looked back at her and said:"S. H. I. T"
The nun was shocked. She turned to the biker and said:"There was no reason to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday".
The biker looked back at her and said:"Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was, "Sorry Honey It's Thursday"
Being the nice person that she was she looked over at him, smiled and said:"T. G. I. F."
The biker looked back at her and said:"S. H. I. T"
The nun was shocked. She turned to the biker and said:"There was no reason to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday".
The biker looked back at her and said:"Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was, "Sorry Honey It's Thursday"
3 prisoner of war running for their life
3 POWs were caught by the Germans in a war.
They were told that they will be shot at while they ran 100 meters. If they survived after that they would then be set free.
So, the 3, a British, a Japanese & a Singaporean, lined up at the start. Bang!They started to ran like they never did before.
At the 80 meter mark, the British was shot down. Before he went down, he patriotically shouted, 'Long live the Queen' and died.
At 90 meters, the Japanese was shot. Before he went down, he shouted, 'Banzai' and died.
Now the Singaporean was at 93m, 95m, 98m, 99m... ... Bang! He, too, was shot down. Before he died, he shouted, 'KAYU LAH!!' One meter also no discount!'
They were told that they will be shot at while they ran 100 meters. If they survived after that they would then be set free.
So, the 3, a British, a Japanese & a Singaporean, lined up at the start. Bang!They started to ran like they never did before.
At the 80 meter mark, the British was shot down. Before he went down, he patriotically shouted, 'Long live the Queen' and died.
At 90 meters, the Japanese was shot. Before he went down, he shouted, 'Banzai' and died.
Now the Singaporean was at 93m, 95m, 98m, 99m... ... Bang! He, too, was shot down. Before he died, he shouted, 'KAYU LAH!!' One meter also no discount!'
What is the meaning of STAR ?
A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for the night.
The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"
The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do you think of, Sergeant?"
"I think somebody stole the damn tent."
Got the joke ?
Platoon Leader thought he need to explain the meaning of star...but actually Sergeant want to tell him that he can see star when he lie down beacause his tent are missing !
The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"
The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do you think of, Sergeant?"
"I think somebody stole the damn tent."
Got the joke ?
Platoon Leader thought he need to explain the meaning of star...but actually Sergeant want to tell him that he can see star when he lie down beacause his tent are missing !
What is that thing ??
One day, Ah Choy & Ah Seng were walking down the Chinatown when they saw something in their path.
"Wait!" cried Ah Choy. "Wat is lat ho?"
"Yah ho! Be carefool lo," warned Ah Seng. "Wat is it?"
They approached the thing and looked at it very closely. "Eee.. look like shit lah!" say Ah Choy.
"Hmmm..smell like shit also!" say Ah Seng after taking a deep breathe.
Ah Choy then poked the thing with his one finger, raised the finger to his lips, tasted it and said, "Tastes like shit!" Ah Seng pushed his finger right through the thing and stick out his tongue to lick.
With confident, he said, "Confirm is shit!"
What's NEXT ???
Then they smiled at each other,
"Wah! lucky we didn't step on it."
"Wait!" cried Ah Choy. "Wat is lat ho?"
"Yah ho! Be carefool lo," warned Ah Seng. "Wat is it?"
They approached the thing and looked at it very closely. "Eee.. look like shit lah!" say Ah Choy.
"Hmmm..smell like shit also!" say Ah Seng after taking a deep breathe.
Ah Choy then poked the thing with his one finger, raised the finger to his lips, tasted it and said, "Tastes like shit!" Ah Seng pushed his finger right through the thing and stick out his tongue to lick.
With confident, he said, "Confirm is shit!"
What's NEXT ???
Then they smiled at each other,
"Wah! lucky we didn't step on it."
Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?''
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
The Teacher fainted
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?''
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
The Teacher fainted
Robber rob a bank
A very professional robber decides to rob a bank in switzerland..
He walks around the city for a while..And found a very huge bank with lots of people in it...So he decided to come back later in the night...
At night..He went to the bank..Suprisingly.. the locks there were very easy to break..Not much security.. no cameras.. simple locks...The robber was confused
He went to the safety deposits room..And picked open each and every single lock...All he found in each safe was jelly He was very disappointed..So he thought he might as well eat the jelly and make a run for it..
He finished every single bottle of jelly there was in the bank...And then he left..
Next mornin while he was walking...He came across a magazine shop...He took a glance at the newspapers head lines..
SWITZERLAND NATIONAL SPERM BANK ROBBED
He walks around the city for a while..And found a very huge bank with lots of people in it...So he decided to come back later in the night...
At night..He went to the bank..Suprisingly.. the locks there were very easy to break..Not much security.. no cameras.. simple locks...The robber was confused
He went to the safety deposits room..And picked open each and every single lock...All he found in each safe was jelly He was very disappointed..So he thought he might as well eat the jelly and make a run for it..
He finished every single bottle of jelly there was in the bank...And then he left..
Next mornin while he was walking...He came across a magazine shop...He took a glance at the newspapers head lines..
SWITZERLAND NATIONAL SPERM BANK ROBBED
Not enuff?, Long time no notti notti joke?
A young man, went to see a sexologist.
He told the doctor, he has some problems doing it.
The doctor replies "How come? What happened..please explain."
The young man replied.. Its juz that my wife,She wakes me up at 3 am in the morning,And we go at it till 5 am in the morning.. then i go to work.
The doctor says "Thats norm...."
The young man interupted, "Wait"After that on the way to work,I usually go by train, and i always meet up with this,cute gurl.. and we do it in the toilet on the train.
Doctor "But thats goo..."
Young man says " no..no"After that.. when i reach my office i,Do it with my real hot secretary,We do it about 3-4 times during my office hours.
Doctor "Waohh..But.."
Young man butts in " it's not that "On the way back home after work,I go on a different train,And i meet up with another real cute gurl...And we go for it in the toilet...
Doctor "..........."
When i get back home,My wife misses me soo much...We do it right in front on the doorstep..
For a few hours...
And i always miss my dinner because of that..
Doctor "Well u haf a very healthy sex life..I dun c ur problem"
Young man..."The problem is.........." "It hurts when i masturbate.......sob"
He told the doctor, he has some problems doing it.
The doctor replies "How come? What happened..please explain."
The young man replied.. Its juz that my wife,She wakes me up at 3 am in the morning,And we go at it till 5 am in the morning.. then i go to work.
The doctor says "Thats norm...."
The young man interupted, "Wait"After that on the way to work,I usually go by train, and i always meet up with this,cute gurl.. and we do it in the toilet on the train.
Doctor "But thats goo..."
Young man says " no..no"After that.. when i reach my office i,Do it with my real hot secretary,We do it about 3-4 times during my office hours.
Doctor "Waohh..But.."
Young man butts in " it's not that "On the way back home after work,I go on a different train,And i meet up with another real cute gurl...And we go for it in the toilet...
Doctor "..........."
When i get back home,My wife misses me soo much...We do it right in front on the doorstep..
For a few hours...
And i always miss my dinner because of that..
Doctor "Well u haf a very healthy sex life..I dun c ur problem"
Young man..."The problem is.........." "It hurts when i masturbate.......sob"
Confession before Marriage
An engaged couple are goin to get married in las vegas...
On their aeroplane flight there...The woman decides dat.. there should not be any secret between...A husband and wife...
So she says"Dear,i have something to tell you,i've flat chest" (fei kei cheung - Airport runway in chinese)
The guy replies..."Its okie.. i believe that there are better things in marriage"
About half an hour later... the guy decided to confess too...
He told her"Honey,i also have something to tell you, my dick.. its like a baby..."
Her reply was " its okie.. i dun mind dear "
So the arrived in las vegas and got married...On their wedding night..........
The girl slowly strips of her clothes...And as she said... she was as flat as a washboard...Then the man slowly unzips his pants..As soon as he got his dick out..His wife FAINTED He rushed and brought his wife to the hospital.
A few hours later she finnaly woke up...Her husband was beside her....
He asked " are u okie ? "
She replied... "Yes, but i thought u said ur dick is like a baby?"
Husband : " Yeah...I did.. Its 8 pounds and 21 inches "
Got the joke ?
Husband was refering his penis to the baby's WEIGHT !! haha
On their aeroplane flight there...The woman decides dat.. there should not be any secret between...A husband and wife...
So she says"Dear,i have something to tell you,i've flat chest" (fei kei cheung - Airport runway in chinese)
The guy replies..."Its okie.. i believe that there are better things in marriage"
About half an hour later... the guy decided to confess too...
He told her"Honey,i also have something to tell you, my dick.. its like a baby..."
Her reply was " its okie.. i dun mind dear "
So the arrived in las vegas and got married...On their wedding night..........
The girl slowly strips of her clothes...And as she said... she was as flat as a washboard...Then the man slowly unzips his pants..As soon as he got his dick out..His wife FAINTED He rushed and brought his wife to the hospital.
A few hours later she finnaly woke up...Her husband was beside her....
He asked " are u okie ? "
She replied... "Yes, but i thought u said ur dick is like a baby?"
Husband : " Yeah...I did.. Its 8 pounds and 21 inches "
Got the joke ?
Husband was refering his penis to the baby's WEIGHT !! haha
Mat Salleh in Malaysia
One day, Mat Salleh from USA arrived at KLIA Airport.
After he checked out from the customs,he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one. When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance.
When he was about to enter the toilet, The lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ("sey kok").
The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to "see the cock" before entering the toilet?
So he said "no" but the lady insisted. Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her.
The lady said "No! No! Duit, Duit!" (money in Malay),but the Mat Salleh misunderstood agAin and thought that she said "Do it! Do it!"
So he asked, "Now? Here?" The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand English.
The Mat Salleh thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he stripped the lady and made love to her. The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay), and the Mat Salleh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!"
He said "OK! I will suck it for you" and took both breasts and suck The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay). The Mat Salleh misunderstood again. "Too HARD? OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit," the Mat Salleh replied.
Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, "TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!"
The mat Salleh replied, "Not too long, just 6 inches only."
After he checked out from the customs,he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one. When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance.
When he was about to enter the toilet, The lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ("sey kok").
The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to "see the cock" before entering the toilet?
So he said "no" but the lady insisted. Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her.
The lady said "No! No! Duit, Duit!" (money in Malay),but the Mat Salleh misunderstood agAin and thought that she said "Do it! Do it!"
So he asked, "Now? Here?" The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand English.
The Mat Salleh thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he stripped the lady and made love to her. The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay), and the Mat Salleh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!"
He said "OK! I will suck it for you" and took both breasts and suck The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay). The Mat Salleh misunderstood again. "Too HARD? OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit," the Mat Salleh replied.
Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, "TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!"
The mat Salleh replied, "Not too long, just 6 inches only."
Singh joke
****************************************************************************
Please read this Singh joke with a OPEN mind , no offend please (Just for Laugh only)
Thank you
****************************************************************************One
Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America.
A lady came andasked him," Are you relaxing?"
Singh answered, "No, I am Banta Singh".
Another guy came and asked the him the same question.
Singh answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!"
Third one came and asked him the same question again.Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?"The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and your are sitting over here!"
***************************
A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul, he must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"
The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,etc..."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
*********************************
Having lost his donkey a Singh, got down to his knees and started thanking God.
A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?
"The Singh replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
**********************************
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.
He then removes his turban and throws itaway as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I am only following the instructions here"!
It says here "Answer thefollowing questions in brief".
Got the joke ?
Brief can have 2 meaning :
(1) can be answer in short simple statement or
(2) it can means underwear
*************************************
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell.
So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one said, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid "
First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other,"Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
**************************************
A Singh goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to washhands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running andasks him, "Mr. Singh, what are you doing?"
To this the man replies," Oye, see the board here ---"Wash Basin".
Please read this Singh joke with a OPEN mind , no offend please (Just for Laugh only)
Thank you
****************************************************************************One
Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America.
A lady came andasked him," Are you relaxing?"
Singh answered, "No, I am Banta Singh".
Another guy came and asked the him the same question.
Singh answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!"
Third one came and asked him the same question again.Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?"The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and your are sitting over here!"
***************************
A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul, he must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"
The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,etc..."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
*********************************
Having lost his donkey a Singh, got down to his knees and started thanking God.
A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?
"The Singh replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
**********************************
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.
He then removes his turban and throws itaway as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I am only following the instructions here"!
It says here "Answer thefollowing questions in brief".
Got the joke ?
Brief can have 2 meaning :
(1) can be answer in short simple statement or
(2) it can means underwear
*************************************
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell.
So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one said, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid "
First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other,"Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
**************************************
A Singh goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to washhands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running andasks him, "Mr. Singh, what are you doing?"
To this the man replies," Oye, see the board here ---"Wash Basin".
Carrot
One day there was three people lost in the forest for 2 weeks. Their names were Bob, Jill and James. During this time they ran out of food and search all around to find it.
They saw an old broken down house. They all agreed that Bob should go in the house to find food. So Bob went in and to his surprise he found an old lady.
He ask the old lady if she could give up some food for himself and two other friends."I'll give you all the food you want. If you make love to me," replied the old lady.
Bob agreed that he should do it for himself and his friends. They went to the bedroom and, when the old lady took off her clothes, Bob was sick.Bob then asked her if she can wear a blindfold. She agreed to put on the blindfold.
Bob then said "Please excuse me I have to use the bathroom."
Bob did not go to the bathroom. Bob went to the kitchen to get a carrot and dipped the carrot in mayo. He went back to the bedroom and made love to her with the carrot .After he was done he threw the carrot out the window.
Bob went outside to give his friends some food.
"Hey guys I got some food," said Bob.
"We aren't hungry anymore. We found ourselves a carrot," replied Jill and James.
They saw an old broken down house. They all agreed that Bob should go in the house to find food. So Bob went in and to his surprise he found an old lady.
He ask the old lady if she could give up some food for himself and two other friends."I'll give you all the food you want. If you make love to me," replied the old lady.
Bob agreed that he should do it for himself and his friends. They went to the bedroom and, when the old lady took off her clothes, Bob was sick.Bob then asked her if she can wear a blindfold. She agreed to put on the blindfold.
Bob then said "Please excuse me I have to use the bathroom."
Bob did not go to the bathroom. Bob went to the kitchen to get a carrot and dipped the carrot in mayo. He went back to the bedroom and made love to her with the carrot .After he was done he threw the carrot out the window.
Bob went outside to give his friends some food.
"Hey guys I got some food," said Bob.
"We aren't hungry anymore. We found ourselves a carrot," replied Jill and James.
How to check if a man is still virgin
A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Kuala Lumpur.
Before she left, her mother gave her some advice.Daughter, when you're in KL and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements Mother set for you.
You must find a man that is 'faithful', not 'spendthrift' and must be a 'virgin'.With this advise from her mother, the girl went to Town.
After some months later, she came home to her kampung to get her mother's blessings to marry."Mother, I've met my match following your instructions.
My future husband is faithful because when we went out for a holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around.Isn't that being faithful?".
Her mother nodded in agreement."Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, we shared one room only. Isn't he not spendthrift guy?"
For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.
"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin".
"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with anxiety
"Mmm....his 'that one' is new.................still wrapped up in plastic, mum!"
Got the joke ?
The "small brother" had the condom put on (hence wrapped in plastic)
Before she left, her mother gave her some advice.Daughter, when you're in KL and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements Mother set for you.
You must find a man that is 'faithful', not 'spendthrift' and must be a 'virgin'.With this advise from her mother, the girl went to Town.
After some months later, she came home to her kampung to get her mother's blessings to marry."Mother, I've met my match following your instructions.
My future husband is faithful because when we went out for a holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around.Isn't that being faithful?".
Her mother nodded in agreement."Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, we shared one room only. Isn't he not spendthrift guy?"
For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.
"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin".
"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with anxiety
"Mmm....his 'that one' is new.................still wrapped up in plastic, mum!"
Got the joke ?
The "small brother" had the condom put on (hence wrapped in plastic)
The Quarrel Fight
Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument.
Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia,
"I'm going to find my gang to hantam you!"
So Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow. Just then, Maggi Mee walked round the corner.
Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up. As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, "Don't think just because you perm your hair, we can't recognize you okay!"
Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia,
"I'm going to find my gang to hantam you!"
So Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow. Just then, Maggi Mee walked round the corner.
Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up. As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, "Don't think just because you perm your hair, we can't recognize you okay!"
Four Monks and a Lady (Musical Hokkien joke)
There were four buddhist monks who played instruments and chanted everyday.
One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady "zhao k'ng" (i.e. exposing herself accidentally).
The monk was shocked to see that the woman was not wearing any panties! He felt he had to share this valuable insight with his fellow monks, but also did not wish to alert the lady. So he began chanting the message: "Wu lang bo chin lai ko...(Someone's not wearing panties...)"
The monk beside him was playing a tambourine, and he thumped this response: "Ti-to-lok, ti-to-lok" (Where? Where?)
The third monk, playing a horn replied: "Duuu...Duuu...(There! There!)"
Finally, the last and the most righteous monk, sounded his cymbals in disgust: "Ti ti kua...ti ti kua! (Still peeping! Still peeping!)"
One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady "zhao k'ng" (i.e. exposing herself accidentally).
The monk was shocked to see that the woman was not wearing any panties! He felt he had to share this valuable insight with his fellow monks, but also did not wish to alert the lady. So he began chanting the message: "Wu lang bo chin lai ko...(Someone's not wearing panties...)"
The monk beside him was playing a tambourine, and he thumped this response: "Ti-to-lok, ti-to-lok" (Where? Where?)
The third monk, playing a horn replied: "Duuu...Duuu...(There! There!)"
Finally, the last and the most righteous monk, sounded his cymbals in disgust: "Ti ti kua...ti ti kua! (Still peeping! Still peeping!)"
You Sank the Titanic!
A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he sees Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carsberg, you're all the same."
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carsberg, you're all the same."
Japan versus Malaysia Product
Japan?? Malaysia??
A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the Subang airport, so he took a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.
The following is their conversation on the way to the airport.
A Toyata Camry overtook the taxi.....zoom....
Jap: Look ...look ...Toyota!! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan! Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia Driver: yah....
After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.
Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan! Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....yah...
After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom.
Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made in Japan! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!
Arriving at the airport. Jap going to pay the taxi driver.
Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge!!
Driver: Noooo .... look .... look .... meter!!....very good!!....very fast!.... Made in Japan!
A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the Subang airport, so he took a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.
The following is their conversation on the way to the airport.
A Toyata Camry overtook the taxi.....zoom....
Jap: Look ...look ...Toyota!! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan! Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia Driver: yah....
After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.
Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan! Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....yah...
After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom.
Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made in Japan! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!
Arriving at the airport. Jap going to pay the taxi driver.
Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge!!
Driver: Noooo .... look .... look .... meter!!....very good!!....very fast!.... Made in Japan!
3 types of SEX
Son: Daddy, whats sex?
Daddy: Well, there is 3 types of sex,which are u talking about?
The honey moon sex, the vacation sex or the hall way sex?
Son: Huh? What is honeymoon sex?
Daddy: Well Honeymoon sex means, u do it frequenly almost everyday of the week and anywhere u can find.
Son: What vacation sex?
Daddy: Vacation sex is like vacations. You rarely have it but its enjoyable when u do have it.
Son : So, whats hall way sex?
Daddy: Hall way sex happens when u pass each other in the hall way and say FUCK you!
Daddy: Well, there is 3 types of sex,which are u talking about?
The honey moon sex, the vacation sex or the hall way sex?
Son: Huh? What is honeymoon sex?
Daddy: Well Honeymoon sex means, u do it frequenly almost everyday of the week and anywhere u can find.
Son: What vacation sex?
Daddy: Vacation sex is like vacations. You rarely have it but its enjoyable when u do have it.
Son : So, whats hall way sex?
Daddy: Hall way sex happens when u pass each other in the hall way and say FUCK you!
Shopping for Husband
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch..... As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men have jobs."The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids."The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - "These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.""Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.""Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes.The sixth floor sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day."
There is, however, a catch..... As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men have jobs."The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids."The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - "These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.""Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.""Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes.The sixth floor sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day."
Use your Words carefully
Ah Beng was travelling in a crowded bus. As he took out his wallet to pay the fare, his passport-size photograph accidentally fell from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor, below the ends of a woman's long sari.
He asked her "Can you lift up your sari? I wanna take photograph"
He was beaten up so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital.
He was surprised to see his Singaporean friend, Ah Seng, on the bed next to him, in a worse condition. Ah Seng explained what happened to him.
He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the owner whether he can stay there for the night.
The owner replied "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The owner replied, "I have 3 grown up daughters. "Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He went to the next house and asked: "Do you have grown up daughters?" The Owner asked, "WHY?????????" Ah Seng replied, "I wanted to stay here for a night....."
The next thing he knew, he was in the hospital bed.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
"WORDS GET YOU INTO DEEP TROUBLE IF YOU DON'T USE IT CORRECTLY"
He asked her "Can you lift up your sari? I wanna take photograph"
He was beaten up so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital.
He was surprised to see his Singaporean friend, Ah Seng, on the bed next to him, in a worse condition. Ah Seng explained what happened to him.
He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the owner whether he can stay there for the night.
The owner replied "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The owner replied, "I have 3 grown up daughters. "Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He went to the next house and asked: "Do you have grown up daughters?" The Owner asked, "WHY?????????" Ah Seng replied, "I wanted to stay here for a night....."
The next thing he knew, he was in the hospital bed.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
"WORDS GET YOU INTO DEEP TROUBLE IF YOU DON'T USE IT CORRECTLY"
The Convict
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed you neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any KY Jelly lubricant. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"
Got the joke ?
KY Jelly is a popular brand of skin lotion which in this situation acts as a lubricant.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed you neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any KY Jelly lubricant. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"
Got the joke ?
KY Jelly is a popular brand of skin lotion which in this situation acts as a lubricant.
Superman was Bored
Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party.
He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some young girls.
Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman "SMS" Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers but Spiderman said he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open and her eyes closed.
Superman thought to himself, " So exotic, should I or shouldn't I ....wait ...I'm faster than a speeding bullet!I can be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what happened."
So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said, "What is going on? Did you hear anything..........????"
Invisible-Man replied, "No! But....... arghhhh ! my ASSHOLE hurts like hell!"
He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some young girls.
Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman "SMS" Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers but Spiderman said he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open and her eyes closed.
Superman thought to himself, " So exotic, should I or shouldn't I ....wait ...I'm faster than a speeding bullet!I can be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what happened."
So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said, "What is going on? Did you hear anything..........????"
Invisible-Man replied, "No! But....... arghhhh ! my ASSHOLE hurts like hell!"
Ah Beng Sentence Making
Ah Beng was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with......
1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep.But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down.The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me.I run until I fall 6 and throw out.So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him.Then I took a 9 and try to stab him.10 God he run away.So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven.Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6.He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.He also ask me to climb a 3 and jump down.I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I dont know what he 1.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with......
1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep.But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down.The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me.I run until I fall 6 and throw out.So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him.Then I took a 9 and try to stab him.10 God he run away.So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven.Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6.He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.He also ask me to climb a 3 and jump down.I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I dont know what he 1.
Random Jokes #1
A Confused Computer
A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it ''could not find the printer.''
The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but his computer still could not 'see' the printer.
Blonde Looking for a Job
A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.''Yes.''
Grosser than gross.. underwear
What's grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.
What's grosser than that? When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet High
Sperm Count
How do you tell if your boyfriend has a high sperm ?
If you have to chew before you swallow.
A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it ''could not find the printer.''
The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but his computer still could not 'see' the printer.
Blonde Looking for a Job
A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.''Yes.''
Grosser than gross.. underwear
What's grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.
What's grosser than that? When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet High
Sperm Count
How do you tell if your boyfriend has a high sperm ?
If you have to chew before you swallow.
"Liver - Cheese " contest
There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - a black guy, an American guy and an Ah Beng. They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks. Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go out with them first.
The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let's see who can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'."
So the black guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate cheese."
The waitress shakes her head in disgust.
The American guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese."
The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same thing!"
Then the Ah Beng steps up and puts his arm around the waitress' waist.
"Liver alone, cheese mine!" ( leave her alone, she is mine ) !!!
The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let's see who can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'."
So the black guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate cheese."
The waitress shakes her head in disgust.
The American guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese."
The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same thing!"
Then the Ah Beng steps up and puts his arm around the waitress' waist.
"Liver alone, cheese mine!" ( leave her alone, she is mine ) !!!
Pickle Slicer
Fred comes home after a hard day's work at the pickle factory and announces to his wife that he's developed a terrible sexual compulsion; he wants to stick his dick in the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist, but he says he's too embarrassed. He promises to sort his problem out himself ...
A few weeks later, Fred comes home ashen-faced. His wife can see he's seriously upset.
'What's wrong?' asks the wife.
'Well ... you know that urge I had to stick my dick in the pickle slicer...'
'Oh, My God!' says his wife, 'What happened?!'
'I got fired' says Fred.
His wife unzips him and, to her surprise, finds his dick still intact. Astonished, she asks 'What happened with the pickle slicer?'
So What happen ...????
Scroll down to find out now ~~!!
'Oh,' says Fred, 'She got fired too.'
Got the joke ?
Note : Pickle Slicer is not a machine , but a female worker who slice pickle manually ~~!!
A few weeks later, Fred comes home ashen-faced. His wife can see he's seriously upset.
'What's wrong?' asks the wife.
'Well ... you know that urge I had to stick my dick in the pickle slicer...'
'Oh, My God!' says his wife, 'What happened?!'
'I got fired' says Fred.
His wife unzips him and, to her surprise, finds his dick still intact. Astonished, she asks 'What happened with the pickle slicer?'
So What happen ...????
Scroll down to find out now ~~!!
'Oh,' says Fred, 'She got fired too.'
Got the joke ?
Note : Pickle Slicer is not a machine , but a female worker who slice pickle manually ~~!!
Hong Kong English
New word for the day -- "Fanquevallemud"
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia
Room Service.(RS) = Room service
(G) = Guest
(RS): "Moling! loom sirfesee"
(G ): "Yes......"
(RS): "Dju witch true odor somefing??"
(G ): "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
(RS): "How July it done peace?"
(G ): "What??"
(RS): "How July it done?... Fi, boy?"
(G ): "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
(RS): "Howbow bkan?"
(G ): "Crisp will be fine."
(RS): "O light. An some DOS?"
(G ): "What?"
(RS ): "Dosee. July some DOS?"
(G ): "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means."
(RS): "Mmm...............Toes! toes!..."
(G ): "O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?"
(RS): "Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?"
(G ): "English muffin!! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
(RS): "Copy?"
(G ): "Sorry?"
(RS): "Copy...Mill...all T?"
(G ): "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
(RS): "O light. Seeangle ache, quits bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy..wite??"
(G ): "Well....Whatever you say"
(RS): "Fanquevallemud!"
(G ): "You're welcome""Fanquevallemud!" = THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia
Room Service.(RS) = Room service
(G) = Guest
(RS): "Moling! loom sirfesee"
(G ): "Yes......"
(RS): "Dju witch true odor somefing??"
(G ): "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
(RS): "How July it done peace?"
(G ): "What??"
(RS): "How July it done?... Fi, boy?"
(G ): "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
(RS): "Howbow bkan?"
(G ): "Crisp will be fine."
(RS): "O light. An some DOS?"
(G ): "What?"
(RS ): "Dosee. July some DOS?"
(G ): "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means."
(RS): "Mmm...............Toes! toes!..."
(G ): "O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?"
(RS): "Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?"
(G ): "English muffin!! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
(RS): "Copy?"
(G ): "Sorry?"
(RS): "Copy...Mill...all T?"
(G ): "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
(RS): "O light. Seeangle ache, quits bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy..wite??"
(G ): "Well....Whatever you say"
(RS): "Fanquevallemud!"
(G ): "You're welcome""Fanquevallemud!" = THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
16 years old, stupid but great answers
The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form. These are genuine responses!!
(16 years old and stupid- But we love 'em. They cheer up a teacher's day no end)
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water canbe made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because itremoves largepollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and theMoon. All water tendsto flow towards the moon, because there is no wateron the moon, andnature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist youare well endowed
.Q: In a democratic society, how important areelections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a malegets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you getintercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forwardto his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised?(e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - thebrainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,A,E,I,O and U
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is acharacteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places andthey look like umbrellas
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to showyou understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head
(16 years old and stupid- But we love 'em. They cheer up a teacher's day no end)
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water canbe made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because itremoves largepollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and theMoon. All water tendsto flow towards the moon, because there is no wateron the moon, andnature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist youare well endowed
.Q: In a democratic society, how important areelections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a malegets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you getintercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forwardto his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised?(e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - thebrainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,A,E,I,O and U
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is acharacteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places andthey look like umbrellas
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to showyou understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head
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