One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs."Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Ah Beng Random jokes
1. Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at seawhenthey were hijacked by a group of pirates.
The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give usall your valuables!" The chief pirate then raiseda syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject youwith the AIDS virus!"
Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.
Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates.Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.
Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!" The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Bengwith the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.
In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus.Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared,what... I got condom!!!"
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2. Ah Beng went hiking and saw a cave and wentin.Inside the cave he picked up a lamp.He laughed and said, "Ho say leow, kio tiok kim!"and began rubbing the lamp.And 'poot!' Out came a genie from the lamp.
The genie then granted Ah Beng 3 wishes.
Without thinking carefully, Ah Beng said ' si milan cheow also want.' So the genie stuck all sorts of penises all over Ah Beng's body.
Shocked and disgusted, Ah Beng then said, "This time si mi lan cheow also do'wan."So the genie quickly granted Ah Beng's 2nd wish.And with a 'poot!' all the penises disappeared from Ah Beng's body, including his own.
Even more shocked this time, Ah Beng said, "Iwantmy own last time lan cheow back."And with a final 'poot!', Ah Beng got exactly whathe wished for: the penis he had when he was a baby.
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3. A long time ago, Ah Beng found himself as asailor on board an ang-mor explorer's ship.One day, in the crow's nest, he spotted anuncharted island.
He quickly scurried down, andknocked on the captain's door."Eh, Captain!" he said eagerly. "There got new island, leh! What should we call it?"However, the Captain was at the time making love to a woman passenger, who was in the throes ofpassion.
Ah Beng heard the woman wail to the Captain, "Put it in, dear! In, dear! In, dear!"And thus, India got its name.
Ah Beng later found himself serving on-board Christopher Columbus' ships.One day, the crew spotted a new continent. Ah Bengwas below decks, when Columbus summoned the crew on deck. As Columbus asked, "What shall we name this newworld?", Ah Beng scrambled up and said in Cantonese, "Hai meh leh ka?" ("What'shappening?")
And thus, America got its name.
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4. An American, A Briton and a Singaporean wereallies in a war and, unfortunately, were cornered by the enemy. The only way to the safe zone was by dashing through 100m of no-man's-land, where thetrio risked being gunned down by enemy snipers.
The Briton decided to give it a try first, and started dashing with all his might towards the 100m end mark. Upon reaching 90m, he was shot. As he fell, he shouted, "God save the Queen!" and fell dead.
The American decided to go next and blazed towardsthe safe zone. 80m...85m...90m...95m...BANG! Hewas shot as well. As he fell, he shouted, "For Liberty!" and fell dead.
The Singaporean was next and he ran faster thanheever did in his whole life. 80m... 85m... 90m...95m... 96m... 97m.. 98m... 99m.... BANG! He was shot too, and as he fell, he shouted,
"KAN NI NABU CHAO CHEE BYE!!!!!"
The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give usall your valuables!" The chief pirate then raiseda syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject youwith the AIDS virus!"
Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.
Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates.Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.
Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!" The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Bengwith the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.
In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus.Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared,what... I got condom!!!"
---------------------------------
2. Ah Beng went hiking and saw a cave and wentin.Inside the cave he picked up a lamp.He laughed and said, "Ho say leow, kio tiok kim!"and began rubbing the lamp.And 'poot!' Out came a genie from the lamp.
The genie then granted Ah Beng 3 wishes.
Without thinking carefully, Ah Beng said ' si milan cheow also want.' So the genie stuck all sorts of penises all over Ah Beng's body.
Shocked and disgusted, Ah Beng then said, "This time si mi lan cheow also do'wan."So the genie quickly granted Ah Beng's 2nd wish.And with a 'poot!' all the penises disappeared from Ah Beng's body, including his own.
Even more shocked this time, Ah Beng said, "Iwantmy own last time lan cheow back."And with a final 'poot!', Ah Beng got exactly whathe wished for: the penis he had when he was a baby.
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3. A long time ago, Ah Beng found himself as asailor on board an ang-mor explorer's ship.One day, in the crow's nest, he spotted anuncharted island.
He quickly scurried down, andknocked on the captain's door."Eh, Captain!" he said eagerly. "There got new island, leh! What should we call it?"However, the Captain was at the time making love to a woman passenger, who was in the throes ofpassion.
Ah Beng heard the woman wail to the Captain, "Put it in, dear! In, dear! In, dear!"And thus, India got its name.
Ah Beng later found himself serving on-board Christopher Columbus' ships.One day, the crew spotted a new continent. Ah Bengwas below decks, when Columbus summoned the crew on deck. As Columbus asked, "What shall we name this newworld?", Ah Beng scrambled up and said in Cantonese, "Hai meh leh ka?" ("What'shappening?")
And thus, America got its name.
-----------------------------------------
4. An American, A Briton and a Singaporean wereallies in a war and, unfortunately, were cornered by the enemy. The only way to the safe zone was by dashing through 100m of no-man's-land, where thetrio risked being gunned down by enemy snipers.
The Briton decided to give it a try first, and started dashing with all his might towards the 100m end mark. Upon reaching 90m, he was shot. As he fell, he shouted, "God save the Queen!" and fell dead.
The American decided to go next and blazed towardsthe safe zone. 80m...85m...90m...95m...BANG! Hewas shot as well. As he fell, he shouted, "For Liberty!" and fell dead.
The Singaporean was next and he ran faster thanheever did in his whole life. 80m... 85m... 90m...95m... 96m... 97m.. 98m... 99m.... BANG! He was shot too, and as he fell, he shouted,
"KAN NI NABU CHAO CHEE BYE!!!!!"
Naughty boy
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
The choice of George Bush
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
I would be....
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad's a drunkard and your mom's a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad's a drunkard and your mom's a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
The Apples
One day a man was takind a drive through the country. As he drove alond he sees a sign on the side of the road that says, "APPLES 5 DOLLARS EACH".
Doing a double take the man screeches his car to a stop. He approaches the man and says, "Why the hell are these apples 5 dollars each?" the apple salesman says,"These are special apples. These apples tate like Ham and Cheese. Here try one" The man takes a bit and says "This is incredible!! I taste the ham , but wheres the cheese??" The salesman replies,"Turn the apple over and bite the other side." The man bites the other side and low and behold he tatses the cheese. He buys a dozen and drives off.
About a mile up the road he sees another sign that says"APPLES 10 DOLLARS EACH"
Almost driving off the road he stops and says to the salesman " Why the fuck are these apples 10 dollars each???!!!" The salesman replies,"These are VERY special apples. These taste like Penut Butter and Jelly. Here try one." The man excitedly bite the apple and only tastes the peanut butter. The salesman says,"Turn it around and bite the other side." Low and behold theres the jelly. The man buys a dozen gets back in his car and drives off.
Another mile up the road he sees a sign that says,"APPLES 50 DOLLARS EACH". At this point the man is ready to drive his car into a tree and stops to a crazy halt. He says"WHAT THE FUCK IS SPECIAL ABOUT AN APPLE THAT YOU HAVE TO CHARGE 5O FUCKIN DOLLARS A PIECE??????"The salesman repies,"These are VERY VERY special apples. These apples taste like pussy." "here try one" he says.
The man takes a bite and says,"BLECCCHHHHH!!!THIS APPLE TATSE LIKE SHIT!!!!!!!!"
The salesman says,"I know. You bit the wrong side."
Doing a double take the man screeches his car to a stop. He approaches the man and says, "Why the hell are these apples 5 dollars each?" the apple salesman says,"These are special apples. These apples tate like Ham and Cheese. Here try one" The man takes a bit and says "This is incredible!! I taste the ham , but wheres the cheese??" The salesman replies,"Turn the apple over and bite the other side." The man bites the other side and low and behold he tatses the cheese. He buys a dozen and drives off.
About a mile up the road he sees another sign that says"APPLES 10 DOLLARS EACH"
Almost driving off the road he stops and says to the salesman " Why the fuck are these apples 10 dollars each???!!!" The salesman replies,"These are VERY special apples. These taste like Penut Butter and Jelly. Here try one." The man excitedly bite the apple and only tastes the peanut butter. The salesman says,"Turn it around and bite the other side." Low and behold theres the jelly. The man buys a dozen gets back in his car and drives off.
Another mile up the road he sees a sign that says,"APPLES 50 DOLLARS EACH". At this point the man is ready to drive his car into a tree and stops to a crazy halt. He says"WHAT THE FUCK IS SPECIAL ABOUT AN APPLE THAT YOU HAVE TO CHARGE 5O FUCKIN DOLLARS A PIECE??????"The salesman repies,"These are VERY VERY special apples. These apples taste like pussy." "here try one" he says.
The man takes a bite and says,"BLECCCHHHHH!!!THIS APPLE TATSE LIKE SHIT!!!!!!!!"
The salesman says,"I know. You bit the wrong side."
Mother get 3 shots...
A women was pregnant with triplets.
Anyway one day she goes into this bank. the bank is being held up. she gets shot 3 times in her stomach!! luckily she lives. she goes to the doctor. he says her children will be all right & one day the bullets will come out.
so 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"so the mother tells her the story.
The next day the next daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
The next day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?"
he replies "no, i was jerking off and i shot the dog!"
Anyway one day she goes into this bank. the bank is being held up. she gets shot 3 times in her stomach!! luckily she lives. she goes to the doctor. he says her children will be all right & one day the bullets will come out.
so 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"so the mother tells her the story.
The next day the next daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
The next day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?"
he replies "no, i was jerking off and i shot the dog!"
Catholic School Girls
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched with the tip of my finger..." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Yolanda sticks her ass in it!"
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Yolanda sticks her ass in it!"
What is SEX ?
one day, little jonny asked his mom what sex was.
"Tonight, go into your sister's room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do."
The following morning, jonny's mom asked what happened.
little jonny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing.but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot. So sister's boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would. except he's not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath. his other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick- a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend's pants somehow. it just jumped out of his pants and stodd there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away. when sis saw it, she got really scared- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that.
she said it was the biggest one she had ever seen; i should tell her about the ones by the lake. anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. all fo the sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again. sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel. the eel put on a heck of a fight. sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel! i knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out. sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway! he started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn't dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. after a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. i knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel it's skin off and flush it down the toilet!"
little jonny's mom fainted
"Tonight, go into your sister's room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do."
The following morning, jonny's mom asked what happened.
little jonny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing.but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot. So sister's boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would. except he's not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath. his other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick- a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend's pants somehow. it just jumped out of his pants and stodd there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away. when sis saw it, she got really scared- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that.
she said it was the biggest one she had ever seen; i should tell her about the ones by the lake. anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. all fo the sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again. sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel. the eel put on a heck of a fight. sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel! i knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out. sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway! he started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn't dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. after a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. i knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel it's skin off and flush it down the toilet!"
little jonny's mom fainted
fUnny gh0st st0ry
two ghost met and both chat about how they died.
1st ghost : how u died?
2nd ghost : i died of cold
1st ghost : how does it feel when dying in cold?
2nd ghost : actually i was imprison in refrigerator. at first i was shivering, then my whole body started to frozen, later i felt the whole world was dark and i died. fortunately, i died with not much suffering.
1st ghost : what a pity for u....
2nd ghost : how about u? how u died?
1st ghost : i died of heart attacked.
2nd ghost : i see, how u had a heart attacked?
1st ghost : actually i found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. one day when i came back from work, i saw a pair of male shoes outside of my house. then i realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. when i rush into the bedroom, my wife was alone. i must find where that ??????? is hiding. so i search the toilet, i ran to downstairs, look in the storeroom, but the ??????? was not found. so, i ran upstairs and search the wardrobe, but i found nothing. because i was too tired of running, i got heart attacked and died.
2nd ghost : why not u look for the ??????? in the fridge? if you did, both of us were alive now!
Got the joke ?
1st ghost = the husband
2nd ghost = the *another man*
1st ghost wanted to look for 2nd ghost but he was too tired of running and died with heart attack,2nd ghost wanted to hide from 1st ghost and he kept himself in the fridge and cold to death
1st ghost : how u died?
2nd ghost : i died of cold
1st ghost : how does it feel when dying in cold?
2nd ghost : actually i was imprison in refrigerator. at first i was shivering, then my whole body started to frozen, later i felt the whole world was dark and i died. fortunately, i died with not much suffering.
1st ghost : what a pity for u....
2nd ghost : how about u? how u died?
1st ghost : i died of heart attacked.
2nd ghost : i see, how u had a heart attacked?
1st ghost : actually i found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. one day when i came back from work, i saw a pair of male shoes outside of my house. then i realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. when i rush into the bedroom, my wife was alone. i must find where that ??????? is hiding. so i search the toilet, i ran to downstairs, look in the storeroom, but the ??????? was not found. so, i ran upstairs and search the wardrobe, but i found nothing. because i was too tired of running, i got heart attacked and died.
2nd ghost : why not u look for the ??????? in the fridge? if you did, both of us were alive now!
Got the joke ?
1st ghost = the husband
2nd ghost = the *another man*
1st ghost wanted to look for 2nd ghost but he was too tired of running and died with heart attack,2nd ghost wanted to hide from 1st ghost and he kept himself in the fridge and cold to death
First Time Nude
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
Got the joke ?
The wife find his water gun too small
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
Got the joke ?
The wife find his water gun too small
The poor eyesight man
There is a man with his wife go to clinic to see doctor due to the man poor eyesight.
So, they went to see the doctor and here is the conversation.
Wife : My husband seem like getting mad and crazy now a days doctor, you go to have a conversation with him for a while.
Doctor : Ok, I would try to talk with him and see where goes wrong.
So, the doctor and the man have a conversation...
Man : I am so fortunate enough for a god to likes me very much, everytime at night when I go to pissed at toilet. The light at toilet would switch on automatically to enable me to see it. Don't you think this is such a bless ?
Doctor : Yeah, you are right. Is such a bless to have the god to likes you very much until it switch on the light at the toilet for you to see. If you don't mind, would you go outside and let me have a talk with your wife ? So, the man go outside....
Doctor : I think your husband have some mental problem and have to be send hospital. I don't think is because of his eyesight problem because he told me that everytime he go to pissed at toilet at night, the god would switch on the light for him.
Wife : No wonder, now I know who is the one who pissed infront of the refrigerator.
So, they went to see the doctor and here is the conversation.
Wife : My husband seem like getting mad and crazy now a days doctor, you go to have a conversation with him for a while.
Doctor : Ok, I would try to talk with him and see where goes wrong.
So, the doctor and the man have a conversation...
Man : I am so fortunate enough for a god to likes me very much, everytime at night when I go to pissed at toilet. The light at toilet would switch on automatically to enable me to see it. Don't you think this is such a bless ?
Doctor : Yeah, you are right. Is such a bless to have the god to likes you very much until it switch on the light at the toilet for you to see. If you don't mind, would you go outside and let me have a talk with your wife ? So, the man go outside....
Doctor : I think your husband have some mental problem and have to be send hospital. I don't think is because of his eyesight problem because he told me that everytime he go to pissed at toilet at night, the god would switch on the light for him.
Wife : No wonder, now I know who is the one who pissed infront of the refrigerator.
A Trip To The Doctor's Office
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked!
"You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open." HaHa - What were you thinking?
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked!
"You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open." HaHa - What were you thinking?
Miss Universe....
WHY SINGAPOREAN GALS CAN'T WIN MISSUNIVERSE TITLE
No wonder our girls could not get the "MissUniverse Title" .
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their MissUniverse representative wereof tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.
It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and MissSingapore are being asked 3 simple questions.
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with theletter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances;Now,name me an animal startingwith the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!MC: Your next chance.
The name of a famous car that starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance!Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence,smiles andsays: LIEWLIAN!!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems with the letter "L", theydecided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L".
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!
No wonder our girls could not get the "MissUniverse Title" .
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their MissUniverse representative wereof tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.
It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and MissSingapore are being asked 3 simple questions.
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with theletter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances;Now,name me an animal startingwith the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!MC: Your next chance.
The name of a famous car that starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance!Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence,smiles andsays: LIEWLIAN!!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems with the letter "L", theydecided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L".
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!
Nice simple joke!
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
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Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you ! expect me to do, call a lifeguard?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller
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Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
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1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of thewindow!2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
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Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
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Teacher : Correct the sentence,"A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
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Man : Where are you from?
Woman : U.S.A.
Man : Are you here on vacation?
Woman : No lah! I'm here for lunch.
Man : What!!! All the way from United States of America!!!
Woman : No lah! Upper Serangoon Avenue.
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Question : Why did you throw the butter out of the window ?
Answer : I wanted to see a butterfly.
Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you ! expect me to do, call a lifeguard?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of thewindow!2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Teacher : Correct the sentence,"A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Man : Where are you from?
Woman : U.S.A.
Man : Are you here on vacation?
Woman : No lah! I'm here for lunch.
Man : What!!! All the way from United States of America!!!
Woman : No lah! Upper Serangoon Avenue.
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Question : Why did you throw the butter out of the window ?
Answer : I wanted to see a butterfly.
Test for the Monk
One Day,The Head of a temple days are going to come(death),he decided he had no choice but to elect a new head for the temple, so he ask all his disciples n monks to gather,So he started...
As you all noe i am going to pass away soon..my position will go to one of u all..I cannot choose u all randomly so i will be giving u all a test..as u all noe we monks are not allowed to have any sexual relationship or sexual feeling..Now u all follow me to a room where the test shall begin..(Everyone was seated..and the head puts a drum on everyone's lap..)
Soon..a veri hot naked woman..came in..n so the head said..i will now ask this woman to dance...not even 1 minit when the woman started dancing..everyone's drum started to go dum dum dum....
The head felt dissapointed as everyone was erracting...except one..man on the last..he suddenly felt happy..
he took up the mans drum...n found it had a hole in it..n so he fainted..
(he erracted to hard so the drum broke)
As you all noe i am going to pass away soon..my position will go to one of u all..I cannot choose u all randomly so i will be giving u all a test..as u all noe we monks are not allowed to have any sexual relationship or sexual feeling..Now u all follow me to a room where the test shall begin..(Everyone was seated..and the head puts a drum on everyone's lap..)
Soon..a veri hot naked woman..came in..n so the head said..i will now ask this woman to dance...not even 1 minit when the woman started dancing..everyone's drum started to go dum dum dum....
The head felt dissapointed as everyone was erracting...except one..man on the last..he suddenly felt happy..
he took up the mans drum...n found it had a hole in it..n so he fainted..
(he erracted to hard so the drum broke)
Take it back
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I Turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts . As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. So, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, " Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have a change of clothes for him." Then I said, "Danny are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "NO," he replied. I just KNEW he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I Turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts . As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. So, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, " Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have a change of clothes for him." Then I said, "Danny are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "NO," he replied. I just KNEW he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
"Good relationship of parents"
It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association.
'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,' she tells the children.
So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavor is that?'
The whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.''Very good,' the teacher replies.
So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.''Very good,' she says again.
Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.
'Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!'
'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,' she tells the children.
So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavor is that?'
The whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.''Very good,' the teacher replies.
So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.''Very good,' she says again.
Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.
'Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!'
So much supply = no need anymore
3 men...a bangladeshi, an indonesian and a malaysian was in a bar in malaysia. they sit near to each other and all 3 of them have a glass of drink in front of them.
Then the bangladeshi, brimming with confidence, finish his drink, threw his glass up to the air, take a gun out and shoot it. then he say "In bangladesh, we have so much sand to make glass that we need not drink from the same glass twice."
then the indonesian, unimpressed with his fellow counterpart, finish his drink , threw the glass up the air , take a gun out and shoot .then he say " in indonesia, glass is so cheap that we need not drink from the same glass twice."
next the malaysian....cool as ever..finish his drink ...threw his glass up the air ....took out a gun and shoot both the indonesian and bangladeshi and say " IN MALAYSIA, WE HAVE SO MANY INDONS AND BANGLAS THAT WE NEED NOT DRINK WITH THE SAME PERSON TWICE".
Then the bangladeshi, brimming with confidence, finish his drink, threw his glass up to the air, take a gun out and shoot it. then he say "In bangladesh, we have so much sand to make glass that we need not drink from the same glass twice."
then the indonesian, unimpressed with his fellow counterpart, finish his drink , threw the glass up the air , take a gun out and shoot .then he say " in indonesia, glass is so cheap that we need not drink from the same glass twice."
next the malaysian....cool as ever..finish his drink ...threw his glass up the air ....took out a gun and shoot both the indonesian and bangladeshi and say " IN MALAYSIA, WE HAVE SO MANY INDONS AND BANGLAS THAT WE NEED NOT DRINK WITH THE SAME PERSON TWICE".
World War 3
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in asks the barman."Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says,"Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, " We're planning World War 3".
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you, no one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
A guy walks in asks the barman."Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says,"Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, " We're planning World War 3".
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you, no one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
18SX Joke
Friends are like underwear, always a comfort.Good friends are like condom always protecting. Great friends are like viagra, lift you up when you are down. ************************************************************
The sad life of a penis " I only have one eye, my hair is a mess, my skin is wrinkly, my relatives are nuts, my neighbor's an a**hole and my best friend's a pu**y." ************************************************************
Engineering.Why are WOMEN the best ENGINEERS in the WORLD?Because they can DEMOLISH an ERECTION without damaging the STRUCTURE! ************************************************************
Don't make love to a policewoman; she will say "STOP".Don't make love to a nurse, she will say "NEXT", but make love to a bus conductor, she will say,"MASUK DALAM LAGI!!" ************************************************************
Man : I wanna buy condom Salesgirl : May I hold your penis for size? Give him a 'M'. Wait...Give him 'L'..wait...give him 'XL'...Oh shit.... Give me a TISSUE..... ************************************************************
An Arab interview at the US Checkpoint. Officer: Your name please? Arab Guy: Abdul Aziz Officer: Sex? Arab Guy: Six times a week. Officer: I mean male or female? Arab Guy: Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel. ************************************************************
Dracula asks God " May I reincarnate into a white angel with wings and still suck blood?" God said "OK, I'll turn you into a KOTEX!" ************************************************************
Teacher : Why you rub oil on your head whenever I am teaching? Student : Last night, I heard my mum told my dad, rub oil on the HEAD. If not, cannot go in. ************************************************************
British aged 90 married a 16 years old. He had baby every year and bragged that his engine was turbo. When the fifth was born, the nurse said "Check engine oil, baby is black". ************************************************************
A man went to the hospital for a checkup. The doctor said he has penis cancer. He went home, upset, shouted at his wife with anger, "SEE, I TOLD YOU TO STOP SMOKING!" ************************************************************
Farmer ordered a MILKING MACHINE. Tried it on his penis and had a wonderful orgasm, but can't remove it. So, he reads the manual and faints. It says "AUTO RELEASE AFTER 2 LITRES".
************************************************************
Teacher : Why do cow look depressed when being milked? Student : Madam, if someone rubs and squeeze your breasts for 2 hours but don't f**k you, how would you feel? ************************************************************
Woman asked god to make the penis pretty. He said no way. Now it's ugly and you suck it. If it is pretty, you would eat it. ************************************************************
The sad life of a penis " I only have one eye, my hair is a mess, my skin is wrinkly, my relatives are nuts, my neighbor's an a**hole and my best friend's a pu**y." ************************************************************
Engineering.Why are WOMEN the best ENGINEERS in the WORLD?Because they can DEMOLISH an ERECTION without damaging the STRUCTURE! ************************************************************
Don't make love to a policewoman; she will say "STOP".Don't make love to a nurse, she will say "NEXT", but make love to a bus conductor, she will say,"MASUK DALAM LAGI!!" ************************************************************
Man : I wanna buy condom Salesgirl : May I hold your penis for size? Give him a 'M'. Wait...Give him 'L'..wait...give him 'XL'...Oh shit.... Give me a TISSUE..... ************************************************************
An Arab interview at the US Checkpoint. Officer: Your name please? Arab Guy: Abdul Aziz Officer: Sex? Arab Guy: Six times a week. Officer: I mean male or female? Arab Guy: Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel. ************************************************************
Dracula asks God " May I reincarnate into a white angel with wings and still suck blood?" God said "OK, I'll turn you into a KOTEX!" ************************************************************
Teacher : Why you rub oil on your head whenever I am teaching? Student : Last night, I heard my mum told my dad, rub oil on the HEAD. If not, cannot go in. ************************************************************
British aged 90 married a 16 years old. He had baby every year and bragged that his engine was turbo. When the fifth was born, the nurse said "Check engine oil, baby is black". ************************************************************
A man went to the hospital for a checkup. The doctor said he has penis cancer. He went home, upset, shouted at his wife with anger, "SEE, I TOLD YOU TO STOP SMOKING!" ************************************************************
Farmer ordered a MILKING MACHINE. Tried it on his penis and had a wonderful orgasm, but can't remove it. So, he reads the manual and faints. It says "AUTO RELEASE AFTER 2 LITRES".
************************************************************
Teacher : Why do cow look depressed when being milked? Student : Madam, if someone rubs and squeeze your breasts for 2 hours but don't f**k you, how would you feel? ************************************************************
Woman asked god to make the penis pretty. He said no way. Now it's ugly and you suck it. If it is pretty, you would eat it. ************************************************************
Q up
Police had a spot check operation on a night club, they took all the girl back to police station for taking report. because there is too many girl, so police ask them to Q-up and taking report one by one.
There's a old-woman pass by the police station and she feel very surprise when she saw this, so she ask those girl what happened to them. because those girl feel shame to say that they caught by police because working at night club, so they say "we are waiting for free sweet."
The old woman thinking "woah free, i also want", so the old woman also follow Q-up. the police was so surprise when the turn of this old woman, and the police say "what...... u still can....??"
The old woman say "dont look down at me, i know i am old, but i still can lick!"
Got the joke ?
The old woman thought policeman asking her about eating sweet
There's a old-woman pass by the police station and she feel very surprise when she saw this, so she ask those girl what happened to them. because those girl feel shame to say that they caught by police because working at night club, so they say "we are waiting for free sweet."
The old woman thinking "woah free, i also want", so the old woman also follow Q-up. the police was so surprise when the turn of this old woman, and the police say "what...... u still can....??"
The old woman say "dont look down at me, i know i am old, but i still can lick!"
Got the joke ?
The old woman thought policeman asking her about eating sweet
Take off the cloth
Once upon a time, theres a pretty little girl, because of his family, she have to stay in her uncle house which still single. Both of them look like normal at home.
One day, the little girl finally cannot tahan and she rush to her uncle room.....
"Uncle, i cannot tahan anymore..... pls take off my shirt......". her uncle feel very surprise but he follow what she said....
"Please take off my skirt also.......", her uncle still follow what she said. "
and also........take off my bra.....slowly......". her uncle stop for while, but he still take off the bra.
"and lastly....... my underwear......" and finally uncle also take it off slowly.......The girl shamelly say ,
"ok... start from now........please dont wear my cloth anymore........"
One day, the little girl finally cannot tahan and she rush to her uncle room.....
"Uncle, i cannot tahan anymore..... pls take off my shirt......". her uncle feel very surprise but he follow what she said....
"Please take off my skirt also.......", her uncle still follow what she said. "
and also........take off my bra.....slowly......". her uncle stop for while, but he still take off the bra.
"and lastly....... my underwear......" and finally uncle also take it off slowly.......The girl shamelly say ,
"ok... start from now........please dont wear my cloth anymore........"
Man on the beach
There was this man at a beach naked reading a newspaper while sitting looking at the sea....When he was reading sudenly a very hot girl went pass by.....*note the girl doesn't noe all the Dirty things.....
While the girl walked pass....The man's dick erracted..The man covered his dick with the newspaper.The girl was curius and asked the man...
Girl: "Can i know what is under that newspaper?"
the man replied "It is a bird"
Then the girl walked away and the man sleeped....A couple hours later when the man waked up...He was laying in a hospital bed....He then asked the nurse what happen....The nurse didn't know what happen...Then the man remembered about the girl....
So when the girl was called and came to the hospital....The girl explained and said this..."I saw you sleeping and went to see the bird...Then i played with that bird...The bird spat on me.....I was angry and broke that birds neck...Bite of the eggs...And cut off the nest...."
While the girl walked pass....The man's dick erracted..The man covered his dick with the newspaper.The girl was curius and asked the man...
Girl: "Can i know what is under that newspaper?"
the man replied "It is a bird"
Then the girl walked away and the man sleeped....A couple hours later when the man waked up...He was laying in a hospital bed....He then asked the nurse what happen....The nurse didn't know what happen...Then the man remembered about the girl....
So when the girl was called and came to the hospital....The girl explained and said this..."I saw you sleeping and went to see the bird...Then i played with that bird...The bird spat on me.....I was angry and broke that birds neck...Bite of the eggs...And cut off the nest...."
Tight Mini Skirt
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
A girls first time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
Scroll down , please
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
Scroll down , please
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
"Tell me what happen..."
Little Johnny seen his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mummy.
"Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mummy cut him off and said,
"Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mummy prompted little Johnny to tell his story. So Johnny started his story
"I saw Daddy's car going into the woods and I followed and seen him with Aunt Jane and they were kissing and undressing, then Aunt Jane lay down on the back seat and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mummy.
"Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mummy cut him off and said,
"Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mummy prompted little Johnny to tell his story. So Johnny started his story
"I saw Daddy's car going into the woods and I followed and seen him with Aunt Jane and they were kissing and undressing, then Aunt Jane lay down on the back seat and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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