John was sailing all by himself in the vass ocean...Everything was okie until one day...There came a very very very strong storm...His ship couldn't make it out of the storm... it sank..
But john manages to escape...He wakes up from unconciousness on a deserted island...Its quite small... around 1 square miles + only...
After 6 months on that island...John managed to build a big big beatiful house..With a very magnificent garden..Full of vegetables... flowers... fruit trees... and goats too...He was quite satisfied... but something was missing....
One day..He was out hunting...And he saw this wild female boar (pig)He decided..Hmm why not i catch this boar..And take her home to release all my tension...(fuck it)
So he managed to get the boar...And locks her in a cage...Everyday he would try to get near the boar..But it seemed like it was impossible...She was very very rough... and impossible to hold down..So after one month of trying he finally gave up...
After that.. coincidentally..He saw a gurl.. (imagine a gurl thats real hot to you)On the beach... washed up on shore...She was lying there.. unconciously.. half her clothes gone..tornThere were wounds all over her...
He brought her home..He nursed her back to health.. bandaged her wounds..When she regained conciousness.. she told him that...She was a victim of a shipwreck.. and etc etc (her story)
After two weeks she finnaly recovered... back to full health John and her were sitting on a bed...She still was not wearing proper clothes...
She said.."John thank you so much.. without you i would haf died..How may i ever repay you.. i would do anything for you"
John smiled and said " Well... there is one thing... i really nid to have have some fun... release my tension and all dat you knoe.. its very boring being the only man on the island..."
(what he want..???)
Scroll down to find out...
He then says " Could you uhmm... Hold that pig over there so i can fuck it ?"
Monday, September 1, 2008
Magic power up (for 1 time per year only)
After a few years of married life, a guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, 'This is all in your mind,' and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, 'I am at a loss as to how you can possibly be cured.' Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The wirch doctor says, 'I can cure this,' and throws some powder on a flame. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
The witch doctor says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say "one, two, three" and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'
The guy then asks the witch doctor, 'What happens when its's over?
'The witch doctor says. 'All you or your partner has to say is "one, two, three, foer" and it will go down. But be warned it was not work again for a year.'
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to suprise his wife with the good news.So he is lying in bed with her and says, 'One, two, three.'
Suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says, 'What did you say "one, two, three" for?'
Got the joke ?
To activate say: 1 , 2 , 3
To end say : 1 , 2 , 3 , 4
Husband wanted to surprise wife : 1 , 2 , 3
Wife says : What did you say 1 , 2 , 3 for??Then they cant diu for another year.Get it?
Finally the doctor says to him, 'This is all in your mind,' and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, 'I am at a loss as to how you can possibly be cured.' Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The wirch doctor says, 'I can cure this,' and throws some powder on a flame. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
The witch doctor says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say "one, two, three" and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'
The guy then asks the witch doctor, 'What happens when its's over?
'The witch doctor says. 'All you or your partner has to say is "one, two, three, foer" and it will go down. But be warned it was not work again for a year.'
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to suprise his wife with the good news.So he is lying in bed with her and says, 'One, two, three.'
Suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says, 'What did you say "one, two, three" for?'
Got the joke ?
To activate say: 1 , 2 , 3
To end say : 1 , 2 , 3 , 4
Husband wanted to surprise wife : 1 , 2 , 3
Wife says : What did you say 1 , 2 , 3 for??Then they cant diu for another year.Get it?
Oops...Excuse me
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
British Intelligence
Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his ownhandwriting, to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
* 370HSSV-0773H*
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aideshad no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 forhelp.
Within a few minutes MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down!"
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
* 370HSSV-0773H*
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aideshad no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 forhelp.
Within a few minutes MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down!"
wow...fast learning kid
It was the month of celebratin', December. And it was Christmas eve on that day.
Firstly, this kid, around 4~5 years old, heard his parents quarellin'. 'BITCHes and BASTARDs' all over. Then he began to ask, mom, dad, what does 'BITCH and BASTARD" means? What was their reply to his question? Lol... They answered, 'BITCH' means ladies whereas 'BASTARD' means gentlemen.
After that, this kid went to bed, and guess what? He heard his neighbour havin' sex. And unfortunately, he heard 'DICKs and VAGINAs'. Out of curiousity, he went to his parents again. This time, they said..."Nah...you dun have to care much. It's winter son. And you know, those people are cold which made them wearin' hats and jackets. And therefore, DICK=hat and VAGINA=jacket. This kid was happy that day as he learnt 4 new words.
The next mornin', while his dad was shavin' his moustache, he accidently peeled off his skin, and he shouted "Shit!" This kid went to him and asked, "Dad, what do you mean by shit?" And his father replied, "Oh it means my shavin' cream." Then he went into the kitchen, this kid's mom was jz about to put the turkey to the oven but, she dropped the whole turkey onto the ground, and immediately she screamed "Fark!" This kid passed by and asked the meanin' of it...and his mom explained that it means the ingredients for the turkey.
It's already 6.30 p.m. Guests are beginnin' to come to their house.
And this "well mannered" kid said, "Welcome, bastards and bitches. You may take off your dicks and vaginas and hang it over there. My dad is currently in the bathroom puttin' shit on his face while my mom is in the kitchen farkin' the turkey."
OMFG~! Come on guyz, I want see all of you RoFL~!
Firstly, this kid, around 4~5 years old, heard his parents quarellin'. 'BITCHes and BASTARDs' all over. Then he began to ask, mom, dad, what does 'BITCH and BASTARD" means? What was their reply to his question? Lol... They answered, 'BITCH' means ladies whereas 'BASTARD' means gentlemen.
After that, this kid went to bed, and guess what? He heard his neighbour havin' sex. And unfortunately, he heard 'DICKs and VAGINAs'. Out of curiousity, he went to his parents again. This time, they said..."Nah...you dun have to care much. It's winter son. And you know, those people are cold which made them wearin' hats and jackets. And therefore, DICK=hat and VAGINA=jacket. This kid was happy that day as he learnt 4 new words.
The next mornin', while his dad was shavin' his moustache, he accidently peeled off his skin, and he shouted "Shit!" This kid went to him and asked, "Dad, what do you mean by shit?" And his father replied, "Oh it means my shavin' cream." Then he went into the kitchen, this kid's mom was jz about to put the turkey to the oven but, she dropped the whole turkey onto the ground, and immediately she screamed "Fark!" This kid passed by and asked the meanin' of it...and his mom explained that it means the ingredients for the turkey.
It's already 6.30 p.m. Guests are beginnin' to come to their house.
And this "well mannered" kid said, "Welcome, bastards and bitches. You may take off your dicks and vaginas and hang it over there. My dad is currently in the bathroom puttin' shit on his face while my mom is in the kitchen farkin' the turkey."
OMFG~! Come on guyz, I want see all of you RoFL~!
Coconut Tree, a girl
One day, there is a girl walking at the sea side.
Suddenly 3 guy walk past and say i giv u RM5 if u climb the coconut tree.Then she climb lor.After that she went home and told her mother that I earn RM5 today.
The mother ask how she get and she replied few boy ask me to climb the coconut tree and they will pay me RM5.The mother scolded and say u stupid they want to see ur panties oni.
The next day she went to the beach again,the 3 guy came and ask her to climb the tree again but this time they pay RM10, then she also follow.
Then she went home and tell her mother tht she earn RM10.The mother ask how she get and she replied few boy ask me to climb the coconut tree and they will pay me RM10.
The mother scolded her again and say u stupid they want to see ur panties oni.
She replied, " mom u are wrong .Today i din wear panties!! "
Suddenly 3 guy walk past and say i giv u RM5 if u climb the coconut tree.Then she climb lor.After that she went home and told her mother that I earn RM5 today.
The mother ask how she get and she replied few boy ask me to climb the coconut tree and they will pay me RM5.The mother scolded and say u stupid they want to see ur panties oni.
The next day she went to the beach again,the 3 guy came and ask her to climb the tree again but this time they pay RM10, then she also follow.
Then she went home and tell her mother tht she earn RM10.The mother ask how she get and she replied few boy ask me to climb the coconut tree and they will pay me RM10.
The mother scolded her again and say u stupid they want to see ur panties oni.
She replied, " mom u are wrong .Today i din wear panties!! "
Farmer and his Cow
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post onthe right.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post onthe right.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't knowanything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'theprison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put theprisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."Turning on his side, he smiles.
"Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives hima suggestive smile,
"Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recentlyborn foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'theprison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put theprisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."Turning on his side, he smiles.
"Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives hima suggestive smile,
"Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recentlyborn foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!"
Songs Against The Teacher, imagine this happening in ur school
Mr. Eric was walking around the form 3 block when he saw one of the form 3 class, 'T', making noise. He entered the classroom and this is what happened....
Mr. Eric: Who was playing and talking please stand up or the whole class gets it.
Anand : "Will The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up"(Eminem)
Mr. Eric: You! I want you to come to my office now Office
Time: 0900 hrs
Mr.Eric: What Is Your name?
Anand : "Say My Name Say My Name"(Destiny's Child)
Mr.Eric: Don't play a fool
Anand : "Can't Believe I'm The Fool Again"(Westlife)
Mr.Eric: Do you want me to beat you ?
Anand : "Hit Me Baby One More Time"(Britney Spears)
Mr Eric: What did u say?
Anand : "WHAT!"(Stone Cold)
Mr.Eric: Are you out of your head?
Anand : "I Can't Get U Outta My Head"(Kylie Minogue)
Mr.Eric: Who do you think you are ?
Anand : "I'm A Genie In Bottle"(Christina Aguilera)
Mr.Eric: How many demerits do you want?
Anand : "1,2,3,4,5,Everybody In The Car..."(Lou Bega)
Mr.Eric: Do you always play in class?
Anand : "Sometimes I Run, Sometimes I..."(Britney Spears)
Mr Eric: Do u think this is a party ?
Anand : "I'm Coming Up So U Better Get The Party Started"(Pink)
Mr.Eric: I want you to come for detention class tomorrow morning
Anand : "Every Morning They're A Hello..."(Sugar Ray)
Mr.Eric: I've just changed my mind. I want you to come everyday
Aanad : "Everyday I Love You"(Boyzone)
Mr.Eric: I want you to come alone
Anand : "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely"(Backstreet Boys)
Mr.Eric: It gonna be the two of us
Anand : "Just The Two Of Us"(Will Smith)
Mr.Eric: Are you going to shut up or do you want me to stop talking
Anand : "You Say It Best, When You Say Nothing At All"(Ronan Keating)
Mr.Eric: I want you to promise me that you won't get into anymore trouble.
Anand : "This I Promise You"(N*sync)
Mr.Eric: Make Sure you don't get into trouble again
Anand : "Oops I Did It Again"(Britney Spears)
Mr.Eric: You can go now
Anand : "There She Goes"(Sixpence None The Richer)
Mr.Eric: I said go!
Anand : "Bye Bye Bye"(N*sync)
Mr. Eric: Who was playing and talking please stand up or the whole class gets it.
Anand : "Will The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up"(Eminem)
Mr. Eric: You! I want you to come to my office now Office
Time: 0900 hrs
Mr.Eric: What Is Your name?
Anand : "Say My Name Say My Name"(Destiny's Child)
Mr.Eric: Don't play a fool
Anand : "Can't Believe I'm The Fool Again"(Westlife)
Mr.Eric: Do you want me to beat you ?
Anand : "Hit Me Baby One More Time"(Britney Spears)
Mr Eric: What did u say?
Anand : "WHAT!"(Stone Cold)
Mr.Eric: Are you out of your head?
Anand : "I Can't Get U Outta My Head"(Kylie Minogue)
Mr.Eric: Who do you think you are ?
Anand : "I'm A Genie In Bottle"(Christina Aguilera)
Mr.Eric: How many demerits do you want?
Anand : "1,2,3,4,5,Everybody In The Car..."(Lou Bega)
Mr.Eric: Do you always play in class?
Anand : "Sometimes I Run, Sometimes I..."(Britney Spears)
Mr Eric: Do u think this is a party ?
Anand : "I'm Coming Up So U Better Get The Party Started"(Pink)
Mr.Eric: I want you to come for detention class tomorrow morning
Anand : "Every Morning They're A Hello..."(Sugar Ray)
Mr.Eric: I've just changed my mind. I want you to come everyday
Aanad : "Everyday I Love You"(Boyzone)
Mr.Eric: I want you to come alone
Anand : "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely"(Backstreet Boys)
Mr.Eric: It gonna be the two of us
Anand : "Just The Two Of Us"(Will Smith)
Mr.Eric: Are you going to shut up or do you want me to stop talking
Anand : "You Say It Best, When You Say Nothing At All"(Ronan Keating)
Mr.Eric: I want you to promise me that you won't get into anymore trouble.
Anand : "This I Promise You"(N*sync)
Mr.Eric: Make Sure you don't get into trouble again
Anand : "Oops I Did It Again"(Britney Spears)
Mr.Eric: You can go now
Anand : "There She Goes"(Sixpence None The Richer)
Mr.Eric: I said go!
Anand : "Bye Bye Bye"(N*sync)
Just married but can't cook
A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives.
The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?" "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So, off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook." Again, the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So, off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister, again. After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you doing honey?"
To which the new bride replies, "Warming up your supper!"
The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?" "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So, off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook." Again, the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So, off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister, again. After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you doing honey?"
To which the new bride replies, "Warming up your supper!"
To wear or not to wear, That is the question
One day a guy asked his girlfriend a question
Guy: would you wear a ring if you didn't have any fingers?
Girl: Of course not!
Guy: would you wear a necklace if you didn't have a neck
Girl: Of course not what kind of a dumb question is that?
Guy: Then why do you wear your bra
Got the joke ?
The girl have a flatten international airport chest (small breast)
Guy: would you wear a ring if you didn't have any fingers?
Girl: Of course not!
Guy: would you wear a necklace if you didn't have a neck
Girl: Of course not what kind of a dumb question is that?
Guy: Then why do you wear your bra
Got the joke ?
The girl have a flatten international airport chest (small breast)
Super Computer
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better
Room Key To Heaven
Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."
"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl."Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."
hope this dun offend the christians =)
St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."
"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl."Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."
hope this dun offend the christians =)
Sex education
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class.
She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"
And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"
And little Johnny says,
"Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"
And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"
And little Johnny says,
"Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
3 explorer
One day, 3 explorer went to the jungle to search for a flower that glows..after 2 hours of searching, the 3 explorer bump into a group of barbarians.. the fierce and aggresive barbarians then capture these 3 explorer back to their village to be eaten..
Upon arriving the village, the barbarians was about to boil them alive when these 3 explorer begged the Head of Barbarian to let them go.. after awhile of discussion among the barbarians, the Head of Barbaian said, " i'll let u go if u can follow my instructions properly! " so these explorers agreed and asked for the instructions..
the 1st instructions was to bring 10 fruits of a kind from the jungle and bring them back to the village..these 3 explorer then dash out to the jungle and search for the fruits they have in their mind..
the 1st explorer came back with 10 apples.. the Head of Barbarians then says,"now put each one of the apples into ur arsehole without showing any expression!" he was shocked, but he tried to put them.. when he had already put the 6th apple he died..
the 2nd explorer came back with 10 cherries..the Head of Barbarians gave him the same instructions.. he was doing very well untill the 9th cherry, he burst out laughing.. and he was eaten by the barbarians..
When the 1st explorer met 2nd explorer in heaven, he asked," u almost made it! what happened? " the 2nd explorer then replies," i knew i almost made it but i can't help to see the 3rd explorer coming with DURIANS!! "
Upon arriving the village, the barbarians was about to boil them alive when these 3 explorer begged the Head of Barbarian to let them go.. after awhile of discussion among the barbarians, the Head of Barbaian said, " i'll let u go if u can follow my instructions properly! " so these explorers agreed and asked for the instructions..
the 1st instructions was to bring 10 fruits of a kind from the jungle and bring them back to the village..these 3 explorer then dash out to the jungle and search for the fruits they have in their mind..
the 1st explorer came back with 10 apples.. the Head of Barbarians then says,"now put each one of the apples into ur arsehole without showing any expression!" he was shocked, but he tried to put them.. when he had already put the 6th apple he died..
the 2nd explorer came back with 10 cherries..the Head of Barbarians gave him the same instructions.. he was doing very well untill the 9th cherry, he burst out laughing.. and he was eaten by the barbarians..
When the 1st explorer met 2nd explorer in heaven, he asked," u almost made it! what happened? " the 2nd explorer then replies," i knew i almost made it but i can't help to see the 3rd explorer coming with DURIANS!! "
The bear and the rabbit
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other.
One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.T
he bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.T
he bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
Hang on
Oh, speaking of aeroplane crashing jokes, i have one.
There was this helicopter that was overloaded with people hanging onto a rope ladder that was dangling below it. There were 10 of these people and in order for everyone in the helicopter to be safe, one person on the rope ladder will have to let go and fall to certain death in order to lighten the weight.
The people on the rope ladder were saying stuffs like:
"I'm Ronald Susilo, S'pore needs me to will a olympic gold medal"
"I'm Bill Gates, US needs me to win more money"
"I'm Paris Hilton, my fans need me to produce more homes sex videos"
"I'm Wayne Rooney, Man U needs me to thrash Chelsea"etc...
At the very bottom of the rope was michael jackson.Then, he spoke, "I've done alot of wrong things in this life, molesting kids etc, i'll let go and sacrifice myself for everyone else here to live to atone for my sins."
The other nine people hanging on the rope ladder were so touched they started clapping their hands...
There was this helicopter that was overloaded with people hanging onto a rope ladder that was dangling below it. There were 10 of these people and in order for everyone in the helicopter to be safe, one person on the rope ladder will have to let go and fall to certain death in order to lighten the weight.
The people on the rope ladder were saying stuffs like:
"I'm Ronald Susilo, S'pore needs me to will a olympic gold medal"
"I'm Bill Gates, US needs me to win more money"
"I'm Paris Hilton, my fans need me to produce more homes sex videos"
"I'm Wayne Rooney, Man U needs me to thrash Chelsea"etc...
At the very bottom of the rope was michael jackson.Then, he spoke, "I've done alot of wrong things in this life, molesting kids etc, i'll let go and sacrifice myself for everyone else here to live to atone for my sins."
The other nine people hanging on the rope ladder were so touched they started clapping their hands...
President Bush
In an umbelievable incident,where an airplane met a technical engine failure and it was bound to crash down. However,the emergency parachutes available were only 4 while the total passengers were 5 person.
The first passenger said ,"I'm Hafiz Hashim,Malaysia needs me to win the All England again." Having said so,he took a parachute and jumped out.
Now the second passenger's remark was ,"I'm Hillary Clinton,former US first lady. I'm a very ambitious lady and the senator of New York. I've the potential to be the President of US." And so,she also took a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At that instant,the third passenger interrupted ,"Ahh.. I'm the President of US. I've a big responsibility to protect a strong and big country. On top of that,I'm also the most brilliant President of US to date. No American wants me dead !" With that he also took 1 of the bags and jumped out of the plane.
The 4th passenger,Osama bin Laden said to the 5th passenger,a mere 10 year old boy," I'm a Muslim and my fate is in the hand of Allah. Little boy,you take the last parachute and save yourself."
Instead,the little boy gleefully said, "Not to worry. There's 1 more parachute for you,uncle. You see..the "most brilliant US president" took my school bag and jump out of the plane,not knowing that it's not a parachute afterall.
The first passenger said ,"I'm Hafiz Hashim,Malaysia needs me to win the All England again." Having said so,he took a parachute and jumped out.
Now the second passenger's remark was ,"I'm Hillary Clinton,former US first lady. I'm a very ambitious lady and the senator of New York. I've the potential to be the President of US." And so,she also took a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At that instant,the third passenger interrupted ,"Ahh.. I'm the President of US. I've a big responsibility to protect a strong and big country. On top of that,I'm also the most brilliant President of US to date. No American wants me dead !" With that he also took 1 of the bags and jumped out of the plane.
The 4th passenger,Osama bin Laden said to the 5th passenger,a mere 10 year old boy," I'm a Muslim and my fate is in the hand of Allah. Little boy,you take the last parachute and save yourself."
Instead,the little boy gleefully said, "Not to worry. There's 1 more parachute for you,uncle. You see..the "most brilliant US president" took my school bag and jump out of the plane,not knowing that it's not a parachute afterall.
Dumb blonde jokes, For your enjoyment
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
she called me to get my phone number.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she tried to drown a fish.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she studied for a blood test.
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
she called me to get my phone number.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she tried to drown a fish.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she studied for a blood test.
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Death Row in Women's Prison
Three women are about to be executed.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim !" Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim !" Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim !" And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim !" Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim !" Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim !" And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
Underwear
one day..a psychologist is making a servey.He wanna know how the men manage thier underwear stuff while went aboard(go to other country for holiday)
he met a chinese,then he asked :"you are going to work in other country.how many underwear you will bring?the chinese answered :"i will just bring 7s,monday 1,tuesday 1,wednesday 1,thursday 1,friday 1,saturday 1,sunday 1..keep like this of coz..
then the psychologist met a french and asked :"you are going to other country for holiday for a week,how many underwear will you bring?
The french answered :"i will bring 5s. monday 1,tuesday 1,wednesday 1,thursday 1,friday 1.you know,saturday and sunday...probably will relax ourself in those places..i won't wear for saturday and sunday..be hot and romantic.
after that,the psychologist met a banggali and asked :" you are going to work in other country,how many underwear will you bring...the banggali interupted:" oh this situation match me..i come here to work for a year..underwear?i bring 12s of coz..january 1,february 1,march 1,april 1,may 1,june 1,july 1......until december.
the psychologist:"..."
no offence to banggali..heard from frenz
he met a chinese,then he asked :"you are going to work in other country.how many underwear you will bring?the chinese answered :"i will just bring 7s,monday 1,tuesday 1,wednesday 1,thursday 1,friday 1,saturday 1,sunday 1..keep like this of coz..
then the psychologist met a french and asked :"you are going to other country for holiday for a week,how many underwear will you bring?
The french answered :"i will bring 5s. monday 1,tuesday 1,wednesday 1,thursday 1,friday 1.you know,saturday and sunday...probably will relax ourself in those places..i won't wear for saturday and sunday..be hot and romantic.
after that,the psychologist met a banggali and asked :" you are going to work in other country,how many underwear will you bring...the banggali interupted:" oh this situation match me..i come here to work for a year..underwear?i bring 12s of coz..january 1,february 1,march 1,april 1,may 1,june 1,july 1......until december.
the psychologist:"..."
no offence to banggali..heard from frenz
A simple christmas wish
Dear Santa,
Can i have a lil' sis for this cristmas?
Lov,
Tom
******************************
Santa replied:
Dear Tom,
Sure,just send me ur mother !
Lov,
santa
Can i have a lil' sis for this cristmas?
Lov,
Tom
******************************
Santa replied:
Dear Tom,
Sure,just send me ur mother !
Lov,
santa
Successful Smuggler o.O?
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard runs into him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard runs into him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
I have to whisper... XD
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."
While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."
Hole in One
There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX."
He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.
The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one.
He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"
They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"
He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.
The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one.
He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"
They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"
Hokkien Lang Rulez~ :P
Dear Hokkien speaking friends,Laugh until you kee siao!
Ah Lian kar ho big brother Ah Beng over the telephone.
Lian: "Ah Beng tua kor, lim bu beh eh get my new jig saw puzzle fixed eh, mahchiam all the edges cannot fix together, lah."
Beng: "Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?"
Lian: "The box show a big kokokkeh lo, kanna like the one in talkingcock.com."
Beng: "Okay, lah, okay, lah. I come over to tor long lu, lah."
Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she happily leads him to the kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is.Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, "Si gi na, si bek gong, put back the corn flakes into the box, lah."
**********
QUESTION: How do you know frogs are Hokkien?
ANSWER : Because when it's cold, they go "kwah, kwah, kwah".
QUESTION : How do Hokkien prawns laugh?
ANSWER: Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns)
QUESTION: How do Hokkien fish laugh?
ANSWER : Hu hu hu (hokkien for fish)
And here is a classic..............
QUESTION : What's the difference between Ang-mor and Hokkien fairy Tales?
ANSWER: Ang-mor fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." and Hokkien fairy tales begin with "Lim Peh ka li kong..."
Got the joke ?
the girl call the brother up to fix the puzzle for her.. her brother ask what does the puzzle looks like..she say looks like a chicken.. his brother go back to the house lor.. then found out tat..her sister is playing with corn flakes..
Ah Lian kar ho big brother Ah Beng over the telephone.
Lian: "Ah Beng tua kor, lim bu beh eh get my new jig saw puzzle fixed eh, mahchiam all the edges cannot fix together, lah."
Beng: "Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?"
Lian: "The box show a big kokokkeh lo, kanna like the one in talkingcock.com."
Beng: "Okay, lah, okay, lah. I come over to tor long lu, lah."
Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she happily leads him to the kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is.Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, "Si gi na, si bek gong, put back the corn flakes into the box, lah."
**********
QUESTION: How do you know frogs are Hokkien?
ANSWER : Because when it's cold, they go "kwah, kwah, kwah".
QUESTION : How do Hokkien prawns laugh?
ANSWER: Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns)
QUESTION: How do Hokkien fish laugh?
ANSWER : Hu hu hu (hokkien for fish)
And here is a classic..............
QUESTION : What's the difference between Ang-mor and Hokkien fairy Tales?
ANSWER: Ang-mor fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." and Hokkien fairy tales begin with "Lim Peh ka li kong..."
Got the joke ?
the girl call the brother up to fix the puzzle for her.. her brother ask what does the puzzle looks like..she say looks like a chicken.. his brother go back to the house lor.. then found out tat..her sister is playing with corn flakes..
Mongolian VD, a.k.a. STD
An American tourist goes on a trip to China.While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom.
A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.Days later the doctor calls and says, "I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease.The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD."
"What can you do?" asks the man. "My American doctor wants to amputate!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"
A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.Days later the doctor calls and says, "I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease.The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD."
"What can you do?" asks the man. "My American doctor wants to amputate!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"
SNAKE enter CAVE!, see lar
There was a small little kid,he was oni 3 years old.
One day his father went to work and his mother is bathing he was scared and knocked the door.His mom open the door and let him go in.He started to ask question.The boy asked "mami what is the two thing hanging on ur body?".
The mom said "son this is 2 canon balls.
The boy ask again "what is the bushy thing over there?".The mom said "erm,is juz a cave son".
The next day,his mother went to market to buy things.His father was bathing and he was scare again.He knock the door and his father let him in.He started to ask question again.
The boy asked "wad is the long thing hanging there?". The father say "nth son is juz a snake".
One night his parents are having sex the boy woke up and went to the parents room. When the parents saw him come in they quickly use the sheet and cover theirself.
The son took it off and say...
"MAMI the snake is entering the cave Fire the canonball!!".
One day his father went to work and his mother is bathing he was scared and knocked the door.His mom open the door and let him go in.He started to ask question.The boy asked "mami what is the two thing hanging on ur body?".
The mom said "son this is 2 canon balls.
The boy ask again "what is the bushy thing over there?".The mom said "erm,is juz a cave son".
The next day,his mother went to market to buy things.His father was bathing and he was scare again.He knock the door and his father let him in.He started to ask question again.
The boy asked "wad is the long thing hanging there?". The father say "nth son is juz a snake".
One night his parents are having sex the boy woke up and went to the parents room. When the parents saw him come in they quickly use the sheet and cover theirself.
The son took it off and say...
"MAMI the snake is entering the cave Fire the canonball!!".
IQ Questions.... XD
during coffee time... the menager walked near 4 female collegues and asked : " Pretty ladies... why don't i ask you some IQ questions?" "okay" replied the girls...
so he started... "Guess something on humans body: Upper side got hair... Bottom side got hair... At night then the hair would touch hair...
"haha... Manager you are horny... I won't come again already!"
u know the answer???
"Wei... don't think wrongly... the answer is "eyes"..
*********************
Manager played the IQ question again..." Pretty ladies over here... lets answer some questions... Guess something located on a body... : when u lick it it's hard... when u don't lick it it's also hard... when you want to sleep... have to brush it..."
The girls started to blush
"Aiyer...!! don't wan to come already... U are horny!!!"
"Wei... where did you think until... the answer is "teeth" lar!"
so he started... "Guess something on humans body: Upper side got hair... Bottom side got hair... At night then the hair would touch hair...
"haha... Manager you are horny... I won't come again already!"
u know the answer???
"Wei... don't think wrongly... the answer is "eyes"..
*********************
Manager played the IQ question again..." Pretty ladies over here... lets answer some questions... Guess something located on a body... : when u lick it it's hard... when u don't lick it it's also hard... when you want to sleep... have to brush it..."
The girls started to blush
"Aiyer...!! don't wan to come already... U are horny!!!"
"Wei... where did you think until... the answer is "teeth" lar!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
