In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?",
"How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher.
"Forty." she replies.
"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." T
he little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
"Well, dear, how old is your sister?"
The little girl answers, "Nineteen."
"Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."
The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"
"How old are you, dear?"
The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old."
"No, dear, you can't get pregnant..."
Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
why did chicken cross da road..
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
To get to the other side.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
RONALD REAGAN:
I forget.
M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
COMPUTER PROGRAMMER:
In order for the chicken to cross the road safely they not only need one driver to access the server farm if not they will hang in the middle of the road.
JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chickendoing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
BILL GATES:
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, fileyour important documents, and unbalance your checkbook
MAHATHIR:
You know, I am tired of all this..'apa-nama'chicken-chicken bisnes....the foreign powers should stopintervening in our domestic affairs andjust leave our chickens alone..... if theywant to...'apa nama' cross theroad, they should be allowed to crossthe road .. Malaysia is ademocratic country,we let our chickensdo whatever they wantto do.... as long as they don't threatenthe Malay unity and try totopple the government...
BILL CLINTON :
I've had so many chicks, I can't remember...
Colonel Sanders (from KFC) :
Oops, do i miss 1 ?
Cindy Sheehan's Answer:
The chicken joined me and other Americans as we marched to President Bush's Texas ranch to protest the war in Iraq.
Mel Gibson's Answer:
Why do you think the chicken crossed the road? Because its a (censored) Jew. Jews think they can just (censored) cross the street whenever they want. Jewish chickens are responsible for all the wars in the world...are you a Jew??
Jim Gilchrist's Answer:
The chicken was an illegal immigrant. He not only crossed the road, but he also crossed the border! There are over 12 million illegal chickens in this country. My fellow Minutemen members have witnessed this for years while the feds do nothing about it.
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's Answer:
The chicken crossed the holy road to resist the crusaders. Unfortunately, he was killed during the jihad. He has died a martyr.
Howard Stern's Answer:
I'm afraid to answer that because the FCC would fine me for it! Wait until I'm on satellite radio, then I'll tell you.
Jose Canseco's Answer:
The chicken was juiced up on steroids! Mark McGwire and I would shoot the chicken in the buttocks everyday after baseball practice. All the details are in my new book.
Jessica Simpson 's Answer:
Why would he be one a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
To get to the other side.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
RONALD REAGAN:
I forget.
M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
COMPUTER PROGRAMMER:
In order for the chicken to cross the road safely they not only need one driver to access the server farm if not they will hang in the middle of the road.
JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chickendoing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
BILL GATES:
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, fileyour important documents, and unbalance your checkbook
MAHATHIR:
You know, I am tired of all this..'apa-nama'chicken-chicken bisnes....the foreign powers should stopintervening in our domestic affairs andjust leave our chickens alone..... if theywant to...'apa nama' cross theroad, they should be allowed to crossthe road .. Malaysia is ademocratic country,we let our chickensdo whatever they wantto do.... as long as they don't threatenthe Malay unity and try totopple the government...
BILL CLINTON :
I've had so many chicks, I can't remember...
Colonel Sanders (from KFC) :
Oops, do i miss 1 ?
Cindy Sheehan's Answer:
The chicken joined me and other Americans as we marched to President Bush's Texas ranch to protest the war in Iraq.
Mel Gibson's Answer:
Why do you think the chicken crossed the road? Because its a (censored) Jew. Jews think they can just (censored) cross the street whenever they want. Jewish chickens are responsible for all the wars in the world...are you a Jew??
Jim Gilchrist's Answer:
The chicken was an illegal immigrant. He not only crossed the road, but he also crossed the border! There are over 12 million illegal chickens in this country. My fellow Minutemen members have witnessed this for years while the feds do nothing about it.
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's Answer:
The chicken crossed the holy road to resist the crusaders. Unfortunately, he was killed during the jihad. He has died a martyr.
Howard Stern's Answer:
I'm afraid to answer that because the FCC would fine me for it! Wait until I'm on satellite radio, then I'll tell you.
Jose Canseco's Answer:
The chicken was juiced up on steroids! Mark McGwire and I would shoot the chicken in the buttocks everyday after baseball practice. All the details are in my new book.
Jessica Simpson 's Answer:
Why would he be one a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?
A Girl got 2 "mouth"
A boss has to interview four girls for a secretary's position.
He thought of a question and asked each one of them
Boss: "A woman normally has two mouths, What's the difference between the two?"
The first one answered: One can talk but the other can't.
Second answered: one is vertical and the other is horizontal.
Third answered: one is hairy, the other isn't.
The last one answered: One is for my use and the other is for my boss.
Boss: You're hired!
Got the joke ?
1 mouth is the normal one on our face ,the other one is private part lah
He thought of a question and asked each one of them
Boss: "A woman normally has two mouths, What's the difference between the two?"
The first one answered: One can talk but the other can't.
Second answered: one is vertical and the other is horizontal.
Third answered: one is hairy, the other isn't.
The last one answered: One is for my use and the other is for my boss.
Boss: You're hired!
Got the joke ?
1 mouth is the normal one on our face ,the other one is private part lah
The Story of Doraemon & Hello Kitty
Doraemon and Hello Kitty were out on the streets one day.
When Doraemon saw Hello Kitty, he waved and greeted her, "Hello Kitty!"
Hello Kitty, however, didn't greet him in return. Why didn't she?
(She didn't have a mouth.)
Now, she was feeling pretty bad about appearing rude, so she stitched a mouth on herself and went off to look for Doraemon.
When she saw him, she greeted him enthusiastically.
Doraemon, however, ignored her. Why didn't he acknowledge her greeting?
(He couldn't hear her - he didn't have ears.)
Wahahahaha!
When Doraemon saw Hello Kitty, he waved and greeted her, "Hello Kitty!"
Hello Kitty, however, didn't greet him in return. Why didn't she?
(She didn't have a mouth.)
Now, she was feeling pretty bad about appearing rude, so she stitched a mouth on herself and went off to look for Doraemon.
When she saw him, she greeted him enthusiastically.
Doraemon, however, ignored her. Why didn't he acknowledge her greeting?
(He couldn't hear her - he didn't have ears.)
Wahahahaha!
The mystery of the cows' sudden death, 18 SX
Once there was a farmer with a wife, 3 sons and 20 cows. they earn their living by selling cows' milk.
One day, when the farmer woke up in the morning, he saw all his cows were dead and he couldn't find out why. Then, he thought"Haih, how am I going to support my family if my cows were dead? I better kill my self first." and he commit suicide by stabbing himself with a knife.Then, his wife woke up. After she saw the death of her husband and the 20 cows, she thought"My God! How am I going to earn my family a living if my husband and the 20 cows were dead?!". Unable to tolerate anymore, she killed herself with a knife.
The eldest son woke up and found the death of his parents and the 20 cows. He have the same thought and want to commit suicide. As he was afraid that killing himself witha knife is very painful, he decided to drown himself in the nearest river.
Unknown to them, a mermaid live in the river but she was a horny monster with a beatiful face and perfect body. When she ask what the eldest son was doing, she told him"I have the ability to ressurect your parents and the 20 cows if only you can have sex with me 13 times. If you fail, I'll kill you.". The eldest son agreed but he can only make till 10 times......So, he was dead.
The secound son woke up later and discover the same thing, have the same thought and wanted to kill himself by drowning. But he met the same mermaid, agreed with her 'trade' but this time, she demands 15 sex with her, but the secound son can only made till 13 times, so, he was killed.
Lastly, the youngest son woke up and did the same thing like his brothers. but this time, the mermaid demands 20 sex! Miraclely, the youngest son not only can have sex with her 20 time but over!
When they finished, it was the mermaid who was tired and she asked excitingly"Wow, you were great! How you manage to make that far?".
And the youngest son answered"That's why the 20 cows were dead......".
One day, when the farmer woke up in the morning, he saw all his cows were dead and he couldn't find out why. Then, he thought"Haih, how am I going to support my family if my cows were dead? I better kill my self first." and he commit suicide by stabbing himself with a knife.Then, his wife woke up. After she saw the death of her husband and the 20 cows, she thought"My God! How am I going to earn my family a living if my husband and the 20 cows were dead?!". Unable to tolerate anymore, she killed herself with a knife.
The eldest son woke up and found the death of his parents and the 20 cows. He have the same thought and want to commit suicide. As he was afraid that killing himself witha knife is very painful, he decided to drown himself in the nearest river.
Unknown to them, a mermaid live in the river but she was a horny monster with a beatiful face and perfect body. When she ask what the eldest son was doing, she told him"I have the ability to ressurect your parents and the 20 cows if only you can have sex with me 13 times. If you fail, I'll kill you.". The eldest son agreed but he can only make till 10 times......So, he was dead.
The secound son woke up later and discover the same thing, have the same thought and wanted to kill himself by drowning. But he met the same mermaid, agreed with her 'trade' but this time, she demands 15 sex with her, but the secound son can only made till 13 times, so, he was killed.
Lastly, the youngest son woke up and did the same thing like his brothers. but this time, the mermaid demands 20 sex! Miraclely, the youngest son not only can have sex with her 20 time but over!
When they finished, it was the mermaid who was tired and she asked excitingly"Wow, you were great! How you manage to make that far?".
And the youngest son answered"That's why the 20 cows were dead......".
Dad , I'm leavng home
Girl's version
A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything wasneat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands.......
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real happiness with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the this happiness Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days, is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, and slight pain in the chest her father turned thesheet, and read:
PS:Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than myreport card that's in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!
~~
Boy's version
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enoughfor the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!
A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything wasneat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands.......
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real happiness with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the this happiness Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days, is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, and slight pain in the chest her father turned thesheet, and read:
PS:Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than myreport card that's in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!
~~
Boy's version
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enoughfor the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!
Arab Man
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"
Sex Poem
roses are red
Lemons are sour
Open ur legs
and give me an hour
Kissing Is A Habit
Fucking Is A Game
Guys Get All The Pleasure
Girls Get All The Pain
10 Minutes Of Pleasure
9 Months Of Pain
3 Days In The Hospital
A Baby Without A Name
The Baby Is A Bastard
The Mother Is A Whore
This Woulda Never Happend
If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!!
Sex is like math
You subtract the clothes
Add the bed
Divide the legs
And Pray to god
You dont multiply
Roses are red
Grass is green
Open your
I'll fill you with cream
Hickory dickory dock
This bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dumped my goo
And dumped her to the end of the block
Hicory dickory dock
some nigga was eating my twat
the hair got tangled the nigga was strangled
@least she swallod a lot.
Sex is good
Sex is fine
Doggy Style & 69
Just for fun
Or gettin paid
Everyone likes gettin laid
So if u want me in yo sack
lick yo lips and HOLLA BACK
Sex is evil
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in!!!
roses are nice
violets are fine.
ill be the six
if you be the nine.
Lemons are sour
Open ur legs
and give me an hour
Kissing Is A Habit
Fucking Is A Game
Guys Get All The Pleasure
Girls Get All The Pain
10 Minutes Of Pleasure
9 Months Of Pain
3 Days In The Hospital
A Baby Without A Name
The Baby Is A Bastard
The Mother Is A Whore
This Woulda Never Happend
If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!!
Sex is like math
You subtract the clothes
Add the bed
Divide the legs
And Pray to god
You dont multiply
Roses are red
Grass is green
Open your
I'll fill you with cream
Hickory dickory dock
This bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dumped my goo
And dumped her to the end of the block
Hicory dickory dock
some nigga was eating my twat
the hair got tangled the nigga was strangled
@least she swallod a lot.
Sex is good
Sex is fine
Doggy Style & 69
Just for fun
Or gettin paid
Everyone likes gettin laid
So if u want me in yo sack
lick yo lips and HOLLA BACK
Sex is evil
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in!!!
roses are nice
violets are fine.
ill be the six
if you be the nine.
"Sir, can you kindly remove something from my breasts please?"
A very sexy and attractive female secretary said to her boss,
"Sir, can you kindly remove something from my breasts please?"
Her Boss replied cheekily, "Wow!!! What`s that?"
The sexy secretary says, "Your eyes sir......."
"Sir, can you kindly remove something from my breasts please?"
Her Boss replied cheekily, "Wow!!! What`s that?"
The sexy secretary says, "Your eyes sir......."
Which girl will he choose ?
There was a man who had 3 very loving girlfriends. They are all pretty and nice. And he's having great trouble trying to decide who to marry. So, he gave each one of them $5,000 and see what they do with the money.
The first one, went out shopping. Bought nice clothes & do up her hairand everything. She said to him: "I love you so much that I spent all the money to make myself look pretty and nice because I know you like it. Just for you." He's touched. This girl did everything so that he will love her.
The second girlfriend took the money and bought all kinds of nice clothes and latest gadgets for him. She said to him: "I love you so much that I spent all the money to buy you gifts and things that you like. I love you so much that I left nothing formyself." He's very touched. She gave everything to him.
The third girlfriend took the money and invested them into the stock market. Within 5 days, the money doubled. Shetook out the $5000, gave it back to him and the balance she opened another investment account. She said to him:"I love you so much that I'll help you grow your money so you won't have to worry about living. I'll take care of everything for you.". Naturally, he's touched too. This girl is so intelligent and so loving.
Then he had to make a decision on who to marry........
and he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Morale of the story: Men will always be men...
The first one, went out shopping. Bought nice clothes & do up her hairand everything. She said to him: "I love you so much that I spent all the money to make myself look pretty and nice because I know you like it. Just for you." He's touched. This girl did everything so that he will love her.
The second girlfriend took the money and bought all kinds of nice clothes and latest gadgets for him. She said to him: "I love you so much that I spent all the money to buy you gifts and things that you like. I love you so much that I left nothing formyself." He's very touched. She gave everything to him.
The third girlfriend took the money and invested them into the stock market. Within 5 days, the money doubled. Shetook out the $5000, gave it back to him and the balance she opened another investment account. She said to him:"I love you so much that I'll help you grow your money so you won't have to worry about living. I'll take care of everything for you.". Naturally, he's touched too. This girl is so intelligent and so loving.
Then he had to make a decision on who to marry........
and he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Morale of the story: Men will always be men...
Parking
A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the title and everything checks out. The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000.
The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return."
He produces the title and everything checks out. The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000.
The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return."
I can tell how a man makes love...
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"...
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"...
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
You're a free man now
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
~~
Part 2 :
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
~~
Part 3 :
A man has been sent to a state hospital (mental home) because he thought he was a mouse. After some weeks he was asked by one doctor of the hospital a couple of questions to see if he got normal again.
He asked him: "Are you a man or a mouse?"
The man said: "I am a man,"
The doctor asked: "Are you sure?"
"I am 100% sure" said the man.
They released him but after 5 minutes he came back running and said to the doctor: "Please lock me again in my room! - A cat is hunting me!"
The doctor said: "Why are you afraid of one cat - I thought that you are a man and not a mouse" The man said: "I know that I am a man and not a mouse, but does the cat know this too?"
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
~~
Part 2 :
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
~~
Part 3 :
A man has been sent to a state hospital (mental home) because he thought he was a mouse. After some weeks he was asked by one doctor of the hospital a couple of questions to see if he got normal again.
He asked him: "Are you a man or a mouse?"
The man said: "I am a man,"
The doctor asked: "Are you sure?"
"I am 100% sure" said the man.
They released him but after 5 minutes he came back running and said to the doctor: "Please lock me again in my room! - A cat is hunting me!"
The doctor said: "Why are you afraid of one cat - I thought that you are a man and not a mouse" The man said: "I know that I am a man and not a mouse, but does the cat know this too?"
Good little jokes just for you
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Husband asks , "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means , "With Idiot For Ever !!!"
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Teacher: You know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs??
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How urs look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. Wat abt yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, im confident. your friend also my son, that's confidential!
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex. Daughter (Excitingly) : Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints...
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Husband asks , "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means , "With Idiot For Ever !!!"
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Teacher: You know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs??
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How urs look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. Wat abt yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, im confident. your friend also my son, that's confidential!
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex. Daughter (Excitingly) : Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints...
Kidz
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know Maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you now.
Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: 1 year older then me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Simon: No, teacher. It's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Singapore , Sir.
Teacher: Which part?
Student: All of me, Sir.
Teacher: How come you do not comb your hair?
Ah Kow: No comb, Sir.
Teacher: Use your dad's then.
Ah Kow: No hair, Sir.
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did you get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do you mean 'under water'?"
" They are all below 'C' (sea) level!"
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know Maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you now.
Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: 1 year older then me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Simon: No, teacher. It's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Singapore , Sir.
Teacher: Which part?
Student: All of me, Sir.
Teacher: How come you do not comb your hair?
Ah Kow: No comb, Sir.
Teacher: Use your dad's then.
Ah Kow: No hair, Sir.
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did you get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do you mean 'under water'?"
" They are all below 'C' (sea) level!"
RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papay
as women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!
as women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!
Where you keep your mobile phone ?
Do you know why girls don't keep thier mobiles in shirt pocket?
Answer: B'coz can't get signals near hills & mountains
Do you know why boys keep thier mobiles in pant pockets?
Answer: B'coz signals are high near the tower....
Answer: B'coz can't get signals near hills & mountains
Do you know why boys keep thier mobiles in pant pockets?
Answer: B'coz signals are high near the tower....
What is it
It is soft when no one touch it
It is harden when you lick it
You need to aim and go in the hole
Once gone in you feel happy...
(Scroll down)..
Putting a tread into needle is hard...wat u thinking?
It is harden when you lick it
You need to aim and go in the hole
Once gone in you feel happy...
(Scroll down)..
Putting a tread into needle is hard...wat u thinking?
MOM...CAN YOU BUY ME A BRA?
"Mum, can I ask you something?"
"Sure! What about?"
"You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one."
"And what is this 'one' you're referring to?"
"Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?"
"No."
"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."
"Nope."
"It will be just proper at my age..."
"I said no way...!"
"But all of my friends wear......!"
"David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"
"Sure! What about?"
"You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one."
"And what is this 'one' you're referring to?"
"Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?"
"No."
"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."
"Nope."
"It will be just proper at my age..."
"I said no way...!"
"But all of my friends wear......!"
"David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"
WHO SHOT THE BEAR?
An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office.He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child... What do you think of that?"
The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?"
The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!”
"EXACTLY" says the doctor.
The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?"
The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!”
"EXACTLY" says the doctor.
A Singaporean on holiday in Malaysia
A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia.. He was having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam at the hotel's coffee house.
A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him & started a casual conversation.
Malaysian : "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?"
Singaporean : "Of course."
Malaysian : "We don't. In Malaysia , we only eat what's inside.The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants & sell them across to Singapore."
The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean listened in silence.
Malaysian : "Do you eat the jam with the bread?"
Singaporean : "Of course." Malaysian (chuckling): "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a container, recycle them, transform them into jam, before we sell it across to Singapore."
This time, the Singaporean retorted : "Do you have sex in Malaysia?"
Malaysian : "Why, of course we do."
Singaporean : "Do you wear protection?"
Malaysian : "Of course! We wear condoms."
Singaporean : "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Malaysian : "Stupid question ! Of course we throw them away."
Singaporean : "We don't. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum & sell them across to Malaysia & that's the real reason why we banned chewing gum in Singapore."
A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him & started a casual conversation.
Malaysian : "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?"
Singaporean : "Of course."
Malaysian : "We don't. In Malaysia , we only eat what's inside.The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants & sell them across to Singapore."
The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean listened in silence.
Malaysian : "Do you eat the jam with the bread?"
Singaporean : "Of course." Malaysian (chuckling): "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a container, recycle them, transform them into jam, before we sell it across to Singapore."
This time, the Singaporean retorted : "Do you have sex in Malaysia?"
Malaysian : "Why, of course we do."
Singaporean : "Do you wear protection?"
Malaysian : "Of course! We wear condoms."
Singaporean : "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Malaysian : "Stupid question ! Of course we throw them away."
Singaporean : "We don't. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum & sell them across to Malaysia & that's the real reason why we banned chewing gum in Singapore."
3 types of Boobs and Balls
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there is three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” asked the son.“Yes”, replied dad, “you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of male dicks are there?”
The mother smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his d*** is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” enquired the daughter.
“Yes”, responded the mother.
“Totally dead from the root up and the balls are purely for decoration!!”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there is three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” asked the son.“Yes”, replied dad, “you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of male dicks are there?”
The mother smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his d*** is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” enquired the daughter.
“Yes”, responded the mother.
“Totally dead from the root up and the balls are purely for decoration!!”
Indian Businessman
Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!!!"
Rajpat: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.
Rajpat: "I have a husband for your daughter...."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!"
Rajpat: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Rajpat: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Rajpat: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
That is how Indians do business
Son: "I will choose my own bride!!!"
Rajpat: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.
Rajpat: "I have a husband for your daughter...."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!"
Rajpat: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Rajpat: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Rajpat: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
That is how Indians do business
You and me...alone
That night, you come to me.
You explore my whole body.
And finally, you found the sweet spot.
You open your mouth...And suck it gently
......................................................
*Clap!* Damn you! Mosquitoes, now die! Mwahahahaha~!
You explore my whole body.
And finally, you found the sweet spot.
You open your mouth...And suck it gently
......................................................
*Clap!* Damn you! Mosquitoes, now die! Mwahahahaha~!
Sons, talk about achievements.....
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight schoolto become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his bestfriend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own constructioncompany and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something verynice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 squarefoot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:"What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.And he hasn't done too bad either.His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three customers.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight schoolto become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his bestfriend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own constructioncompany and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something verynice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 squarefoot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:"What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.And he hasn't done too bad either.His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three customers.
Nude Runner
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked,
"Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope....... .just when it's raining."
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked,
"Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope....... .just when it's raining."
Good jokes but Vulgar, just for a good laugh...Enjoy !!
Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito nters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A. The boy's hand
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A. Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day
Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed.A. Tarzan asked "Why"? The animals told him your tail is in the front"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?""No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger.But I like the way you are thinking.
The Teacher Fainted...
A. The boy's hand
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A. Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day
Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed.A. Tarzan asked "Why"? The animals told him your tail is in the front"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?""No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger.But I like the way you are thinking.
The Teacher Fainted...
Joke of biology
During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class:
"Why is that during childhood, gals tend to growtaller than guys?"
A student replied: "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."
Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than gals?"
Student: "That's because gals have breasts andthey are heavier than the guy's balls"
Teacher FAINTED.
"Why is that during childhood, gals tend to growtaller than guys?"
A student replied: "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."
Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than gals?"
Student: "That's because gals have breasts andthey are heavier than the guy's balls"
Teacher FAINTED.
Life-term prison gifts
Three men, Ah Kaw, Ah Te, and Ah Beng were all sentenced to terms of life imprisonment for armed robbery.
Upon reaching the prison, the chief warden told them, "Since you are going to be here for a very long time, you can bring into the cell whatever you wish. Just tell me and I'll try to fulfil it.
"So Ah Kaw asked for a lifetime supply of cigarettes so he could drown his sorrows in smoke.
Ah Te asked for a set of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica as he wanted to study his remaining life away, having never passed his UPSR.
Ah Beng, however, asked for a lifetime supply of tampons.The warden was puzzled and asked,
"What do you need tampons for?"
Ah Beng replied: "Walau, you never watsh TV meh? They say you got tampons, you can go running, cycling, swimming......"
Upon reaching the prison, the chief warden told them, "Since you are going to be here for a very long time, you can bring into the cell whatever you wish. Just tell me and I'll try to fulfil it.
"So Ah Kaw asked for a lifetime supply of cigarettes so he could drown his sorrows in smoke.
Ah Te asked for a set of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica as he wanted to study his remaining life away, having never passed his UPSR.
Ah Beng, however, asked for a lifetime supply of tampons.The warden was puzzled and asked,
"What do you need tampons for?"
Ah Beng replied: "Walau, you never watsh TV meh? They say you got tampons, you can go running, cycling, swimming......"
Smart and fast thinking
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs.
There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. B
eing the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs.
There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. B
eing the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
Educated or ordinary man .... ?
A Taiwanese man with very poor, practically no, English knowledge once visited the United States. His name happened to be:Teng Xiao Ping.
At the Immigration, the officer asked him a few questions to verify his trueintention of coming to the US:-
First he was asked:"What is the last name of our first President?" Not knowing English neither what was the question, he guessed they must have asked him for his family name. So he replied:"Wa Sing Teng."(in Hokkien meaning My Last Name is Teng). The officer heard of "Washington!"(same sound) so passed him of the first question.
Second question was:"What do u come to the US for?" This time the Taiwanese thought, naturally he wud be asked of his first name. So he replied:"Xiao Ping." The officer heard of:"Shopping!"
so nodded and proceeded with his third question."What car do u drive back home?" The tourist thought he was asked of his marital status, so he exclaimed: "Wa Bo Bo."(in Hokkien meaning I have no wife).
And the officer heard of: "Volvo!"
So smiled with compliment and asked again.
The fourth question was:"Who is the most popular basket ball player here in the US?" By this time our Taiwanese friend was getting a bit impatient and annoyed hence shouted:"Mai Ho Wa Ja Dan."(meaning Don't let me here wait).
The officer heard of:"Michael Jordan!"
With great appreciation of this tourist's wide knowledge, the officer let him passed without further harassment.
At the Immigration, the officer asked him a few questions to verify his trueintention of coming to the US:-
First he was asked:"What is the last name of our first President?" Not knowing English neither what was the question, he guessed they must have asked him for his family name. So he replied:"Wa Sing Teng."(in Hokkien meaning My Last Name is Teng). The officer heard of "Washington!"(same sound) so passed him of the first question.
Second question was:"What do u come to the US for?" This time the Taiwanese thought, naturally he wud be asked of his first name. So he replied:"Xiao Ping." The officer heard of:"Shopping!"
so nodded and proceeded with his third question."What car do u drive back home?" The tourist thought he was asked of his marital status, so he exclaimed: "Wa Bo Bo."(in Hokkien meaning I have no wife).
And the officer heard of: "Volvo!"
So smiled with compliment and asked again.
The fourth question was:"Who is the most popular basket ball player here in the US?" By this time our Taiwanese friend was getting a bit impatient and annoyed hence shouted:"Mai Ho Wa Ja Dan."(meaning Don't let me here wait).
The officer heard of:"Michael Jordan!"
With great appreciation of this tourist's wide knowledge, the officer let him passed without further harassment.
The Contest
Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest."If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man."Well, I'm thinking of a number between one and 10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess seven," said the first man."Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
"Come back soon and try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on."Sure," replied the attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and 10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"Two," said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of three," replied the attendant.
"Come back soon and try again."As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"
You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
"How do we enter?" asked the first man."Well, I'm thinking of a number between one and 10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess seven," said the first man."Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
"Come back soon and try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on."Sure," replied the attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and 10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"Two," said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of three," replied the attendant.
"Come back soon and try again."As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"
You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
Competition of 3 Bankers, and a Elephant ~~!!
One day, three bankers, a Citibanker, one from HSBC and another fromMaybank, went for a walk. They were old buddies from school, and they wereremembering the tough old days when they were students together.
For no apparent reason, they went into a zoo and passed an elephant.Being from the same profession and the same school, there was a bit of peer competition going on. So when he saw this elephant, an idea clicked the Citibanker. He said to the others, "Why don't we prove who is the best among us?".
The others, of course, agreed.Then the guy from Citibank said "Let's make it a test. Whoever can make this elephant laugh, he works for the best Bank".They all agreed.Being a pure logical strategist, the Citibanker tried to make the elephant laugh by telling jokes (In this story, the elephant could understand the language, boleh lah). But it remained silent.
As a more practical guy, the HSBC guy tried to make funny gestures...andthe elephant still stood firm.Now, it was the Maybanker`s turn. Being the tomorrow -can- do- it guy, he whispered something to the elephant, and it laughed and pointed its trunkat him.
The other two were astonished.How come this Maybank guy could beat them?So the HSBC guy said "OK, let's make another test. Let's make this elephant cry".So there they went again.
The Citibanker told sad stories,The HSBC guy made sad gestures,and they both failed again.Then, the Maybank fella whispered something again into the elephant's ear and it just cried, weeping and sobbing away.This can't be, thought the other two.
So the Citibanker said "OK, you've won twice. If you can win this test, we will bow to you. Let's make this elephant run". He went and barked at the elephant and ordered it to run. But it stayed still.
The HSBC guy pushed the elephant and stabbed it with a stake to make itrun, it too stayed still.Finally, the Maybank hero whispered something into its ear again and the elephant ran and ran as fast as it could as if it was scared to death.
The other two surrendered."OK, you're the best, pal. You work for a very good Bank; not even ourglobal banks can beat yours. Do tell us your secret".
"Well" said the guy from Maybank,
"The first time I made it laugh, I said "Maybank is the best bank in theworld! ".
"When I made it cry, I told the elephant how much I get paid". "And when I made it run scared to death, I said,"Why don't you join Maybank?"
For no apparent reason, they went into a zoo and passed an elephant.Being from the same profession and the same school, there was a bit of peer competition going on. So when he saw this elephant, an idea clicked the Citibanker. He said to the others, "Why don't we prove who is the best among us?".
The others, of course, agreed.Then the guy from Citibank said "Let's make it a test. Whoever can make this elephant laugh, he works for the best Bank".They all agreed.Being a pure logical strategist, the Citibanker tried to make the elephant laugh by telling jokes (In this story, the elephant could understand the language, boleh lah). But it remained silent.
As a more practical guy, the HSBC guy tried to make funny gestures...andthe elephant still stood firm.Now, it was the Maybanker`s turn. Being the tomorrow -can- do- it guy, he whispered something to the elephant, and it laughed and pointed its trunkat him.
The other two were astonished.How come this Maybank guy could beat them?So the HSBC guy said "OK, let's make another test. Let's make this elephant cry".So there they went again.
The Citibanker told sad stories,The HSBC guy made sad gestures,and they both failed again.Then, the Maybank fella whispered something again into the elephant's ear and it just cried, weeping and sobbing away.This can't be, thought the other two.
So the Citibanker said "OK, you've won twice. If you can win this test, we will bow to you. Let's make this elephant run". He went and barked at the elephant and ordered it to run. But it stayed still.
The HSBC guy pushed the elephant and stabbed it with a stake to make itrun, it too stayed still.Finally, the Maybank hero whispered something into its ear again and the elephant ran and ran as fast as it could as if it was scared to death.
The other two surrendered."OK, you're the best, pal. You work for a very good Bank; not even ourglobal banks can beat yours. Do tell us your secret".
"Well" said the guy from Maybank,
"The first time I made it laugh, I said "Maybank is the best bank in theworld! ".
"When I made it cry, I told the elephant how much I get paid". "And when I made it run scared to death, I said,"Why don't you join Maybank?"
"May we see the babay now? ".....
Recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,
"May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??"
"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him..."
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,
"May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??"
"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him..."
Slapping An Englishman
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."
Bad Luck
There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
One Night Stand
One day, one male go surf net for One Night Stand, after a few minutes he find one liang moi.
Then he go the liang moi's house do those thing la.
After $ex, the male want to smoke but he cannot find a lighter so he ask the girl, the girl say at the table. When the male go and get the lighter, he see very very very ugly male photo.
Male: Hey, is this your husband?
Female: Nope.
Male: Your Boyfriend?
Female: Nope.
Male: Then who is he?
Female: Me before change my sex to female.
The male fainted.
Then he go the liang moi's house do those thing la.
After $ex, the male want to smoke but he cannot find a lighter so he ask the girl, the girl say at the table. When the male go and get the lighter, he see very very very ugly male photo.
Male: Hey, is this your husband?
Female: Nope.
Male: Your Boyfriend?
Female: Nope.
Male: Then who is he?
Female: Me before change my sex to female.
The male fainted.
Toilet Poem
A budding poet trying his best...
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger, Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
Another to be poet, he wrote this below that...
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted
Someone who had a different experience wrote,
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!
Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.
There are also people who come in for a different purpose...
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...
And finally, this should teach some a lesson...
Sign seen at a family restaurant toilet wall:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger, Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
Another to be poet, he wrote this below that...
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted
Someone who had a different experience wrote,
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!
Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.
There are also people who come in for a different purpose...
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...
And finally, this should teach some a lesson...
Sign seen at a family restaurant toilet wall:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.
Before and After Marriage
Before marriage... "I die for you..."
After marriage... "You die, up to you..."
Lagi lama married... "You die i help you!"
Before marriage... "You go anywhere... I follow you..."
After marriage... "You go anywhere... Up to you..."
Lagi lama married... "You go anywhere better get lost!!"
Before wedding... "You are my heart, you are my love..."
After wedding... "You get on my nerves..."
Before wedding... "You are sweet and kind just like Cinderella..."
After wedding... "You are worse than godzila..."
Before wedding... "Roses are red, violets are blue... Like it or not, I'm stuck with you..."
After wedding... "Roses are dead, I am blue... You get on my head, I will sue you..."
Before wedding... "Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La..."
After wedding... "You want to go, he says you wait-la..."
Before wedding... "She looks like Anita Sarawak..."
After wedding... "Don't know whether katak or biawak..."
Before wedding... "Weekends at Cameron, Genting and Fraser's Hill..."
After wedding... "Furthest you go is Maxwell Hill..."
Before wedding... "He opens the car door..."
After wedding... "He opens his mouth and snores..."
Before wedding... "She/he was your ideal..."
After wedding... "She/he becomes your ordeal..."
hehe....
Future hubbies, be careful...... and future wives, be aware............!!!!!!!
After marriage... "You die, up to you..."
Lagi lama married... "You die i help you!"
Before marriage... "You go anywhere... I follow you..."
After marriage... "You go anywhere... Up to you..."
Lagi lama married... "You go anywhere better get lost!!"
Before wedding... "You are my heart, you are my love..."
After wedding... "You get on my nerves..."
Before wedding... "You are sweet and kind just like Cinderella..."
After wedding... "You are worse than godzila..."
Before wedding... "Roses are red, violets are blue... Like it or not, I'm stuck with you..."
After wedding... "Roses are dead, I am blue... You get on my head, I will sue you..."
Before wedding... "Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La..."
After wedding... "You want to go, he says you wait-la..."
Before wedding... "She looks like Anita Sarawak..."
After wedding... "Don't know whether katak or biawak..."
Before wedding... "Weekends at Cameron, Genting and Fraser's Hill..."
After wedding... "Furthest you go is Maxwell Hill..."
Before wedding... "He opens the car door..."
After wedding... "He opens his mouth and snores..."
Before wedding... "She/he was your ideal..."
After wedding... "She/he becomes your ordeal..."
hehe....
Future hubbies, be careful...... and future wives, be aware............!!!!!!!
Captain Hook
One day, a sailor meet Captain Hook and ask him " How did you get your peg leg, hook and eye patch.
So Captain Hook says " Well, i got my peg leg when i was robbing a ship, my leg get bitten by a shark. So, the sailor was shocked and he says " Interesting... then how did you get your hook ?
C.Hook repiled " My hand get chop by the enemy's leader.
The sailor says " WOW!!! INTERESTING !! den how bout your eye patch ?
C.Hook replied " oh...well ... my eye got hit by a seagull dropping. "
sailor ask" You got the eyed patch by the seagull dropping ??!! "
C.Hook repield" well, that was my first day with the hook. The seagull dropping hit right on my eye and when i tried to to rub it off....... "
So Captain Hook says " Well, i got my peg leg when i was robbing a ship, my leg get bitten by a shark. So, the sailor was shocked and he says " Interesting... then how did you get your hook ?
C.Hook repiled " My hand get chop by the enemy's leader.
The sailor says " WOW!!! INTERESTING !! den how bout your eye patch ?
C.Hook replied " oh...well ... my eye got hit by a seagull dropping. "
sailor ask" You got the eyed patch by the seagull dropping ??!! "
C.Hook repield" well, that was my first day with the hook. The seagull dropping hit right on my eye and when i tried to to rub it off....... "
What Face Means To The Chinese
An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted.When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their " freedom. "As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group ofladies from town appeared.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates.But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on.
The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why hecovered his face rather than his private part.
The Chinese replied," I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize. "
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their " freedom. "As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group ofladies from town appeared.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates.But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on.
The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why hecovered his face rather than his private part.
The Chinese replied," I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize. "
joke poem
(1)
Roses are red, Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(2)
Twinkle Twinkle little star You should know what you are
And once you know what you are Mental hospital is not so far.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(3)
The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful Why doesn't it rain on you?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(4)
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then ~ I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(5)
God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(6)
When ur life is in darkness pray to God Ask him to free u from darkness
And if after you pray And you're still in darkness,
Please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!
Roses are red, Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(2)
Twinkle Twinkle little star You should know what you are
And once you know what you are Mental hospital is not so far.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(3)
The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful Why doesn't it rain on you?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(4)
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then ~ I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(5)
God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(6)
When ur life is in darkness pray to God Ask him to free u from darkness
And if after you pray And you're still in darkness,
Please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!
A gift for Santa
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."
Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."
Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."
Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."
Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."
Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."
Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
Man versus Woman (Irony of LIFE)
Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them. 7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them. 7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
Genies... =)
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.
On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied."No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said."Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."
On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied."No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said."Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."
Language Problem
There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed somehow to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.....
so what did she do?
What are you thinking? HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!
Got the joke ?
You thinking she show her husband's penis ?? Dirty minded !!
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.....
so what did she do?
What are you thinking? HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!
Got the joke ?
You thinking she show her husband's penis ?? Dirty minded !!
Together At Last
Maria is a devoted religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me, father, but you do mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me, father, but you do mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Talking Parrot
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you," said the lady.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, "Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you," said the lady.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, "Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"
Its dark here
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."T
he father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Got the joke ?
The priest = the lover
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."T
he father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Got the joke ?
The priest = the lover
Married 10 times
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!"
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!"
Breakfast
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I ?"
Got the joke ?
Father kick the cat ...so no pussy for him !! (means no sex for him)
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I ?"
Got the joke ?
Father kick the cat ...so no pussy for him !! (means no sex for him)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
