A woman goes to the doctor and complians that her and her husband never have sex anymore. the doctor then gives her a large jar of pills and instructs her to give him a few in his drink at night.
So the woman goes home and that night she puts one in his coffee. they start to make out real hot and heavy.
she decides that it aint enough so tha next night she put two in and they really get it on but she still isnt satisfied.
On the third night, she dumps the entire jar in his 32 ounce beer. well...
A week later, the doctor calls and the woman's son picks up the phone
"So how is your mom doing?"the doctor asks.
"Well, mom's dead, sis is pregnant, my asshole hurts, and dad is out naked on the lawn screaming 'HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY!'
Friday, September 5, 2008
A nun going to Chicago
This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.
So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.
So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.
So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.
She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!!
So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.
So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.
So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.
She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!!
The carpenter -18x
A carpenter gets called to do some work at the local house of ill repute. The madam of the house explains that she wants him to build a partition to divide one of the larger rooms into two smaller rooms.The carpenter spends all day building the partition and when he's done he gives the madam a bill for $300.
The madam smiles and says, "We usually pay all our bills around her in trade."
"Sorry ma'am" replies the carpenter, "it's $300 cash or this partition comes out"
"But you can have some fun with any girl here," explains the madam. "That's worth more than $300""Sorry ma'am," replies the carpenter, 'it's $300 cash or this partition comes out"
"But my girls can fulfill your every desire. Choose any girl you like."The carpenter thinks a while and then says,"You said any girl I want. Does that include you?"
The madam smiles seductively, "Why yes of course" and she starts to disrobe.Once she is naked on the bed the carpenter slowly and gently inserts his thumb deep into her 'front opening'
She sighs and moans with pleasure.Then the carpenter carefully inserts his middle finger deep into her 'rear opening'
The madam is writhing in ecstasy
Then the carpenter suddenly clamps his thumb and finger together and says,"Like I was saying, it's $300 cash or this partition comes out"
The madam smiles and says, "We usually pay all our bills around her in trade."
"Sorry ma'am" replies the carpenter, "it's $300 cash or this partition comes out"
"But you can have some fun with any girl here," explains the madam. "That's worth more than $300""Sorry ma'am," replies the carpenter, 'it's $300 cash or this partition comes out"
"But my girls can fulfill your every desire. Choose any girl you like."The carpenter thinks a while and then says,"You said any girl I want. Does that include you?"
The madam smiles seductively, "Why yes of course" and she starts to disrobe.Once she is naked on the bed the carpenter slowly and gently inserts his thumb deep into her 'front opening'
She sighs and moans with pleasure.Then the carpenter carefully inserts his middle finger deep into her 'rear opening'
The madam is writhing in ecstasy
Then the carpenter suddenly clamps his thumb and finger together and says,"Like I was saying, it's $300 cash or this partition comes out"
2 Girls party out late
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bedhung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect theworst.... My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"
Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bedhung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect theworst.... My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"
just married Chinese couple
There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents. He asks the shop owner to sell him only one of the condoms and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic but she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"
The father shouted, "You are damn lucky! 5 cents more and you would have been purple ! "
The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents. He asks the shop owner to sell him only one of the condoms and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic but she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"
The father shouted, "You are damn lucky! 5 cents more and you would have been purple ! "
Give me a break !!
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American,"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now I have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years."After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
The American continued,
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son I.e. My brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.And you say you have family problems....
Give me a break!!"
The Indian man said to the American,"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now I have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years."After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
The American continued,
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son I.e. My brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.And you say you have family problems....
Give me a break!!"
WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine.'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.' '
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?'
The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' the doctor said, 'It's rust.'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.' '
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?'
The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' the doctor said, 'It's rust.'
Husband to Wife
Husband to Wife Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please ... come on
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, Do it yourself !!!
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please ... come on
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, Do it yourself !!!
Deer Camp
The guys were all at deer camp.They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?'
He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, 'Man, What happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed nd bushy tailed. 'Good morning' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night '
Get'er done.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?'
He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, 'Man, What happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed nd bushy tailed. 'Good morning' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night '
Get'er done.
Don't mess with the children
Trying to make the matter clearer,she said,
"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,"Cause your feet ain't empty"
*****************
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
*******
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want.God is watching the apples.
"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,"Cause your feet ain't empty"
*****************
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
*******
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want.God is watching the apples.
Harley-Davidsons
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St Peter told Arthur: "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognised Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, andcan't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke. "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of women?"
God said, "Ah yes"
"Well" said Arthur. "Professional to professional,you too have some design flaws in your invention".
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous.
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there", replies God, "Hold on". God went to his celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out aslip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed" God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognised Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, andcan't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke. "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of women?"
God said, "Ah yes"
"Well" said Arthur. "Professional to professional,you too have some design flaws in your invention".
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous.
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there", replies God, "Hold on". God went to his celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out aslip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed" God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".
Wedding Rehearsal
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the preacher with an unusual offer."Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and cherish" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the preacher looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and vow eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the preacher and whispered: "I thought we had a deal."
The preacher put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer ."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the preacher looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and vow eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the preacher and whispered: "I thought we had a deal."
The preacher put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer ."
Confessing or Bragging?
A 75-year-old man goes to confession and tells the priest,
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex last night with two 20-year-old girls and I had sex with each one three times."
The priest says, "How long has it been since your last confession."
The man says, "I have never been to confession, I am Jewish."
"So why are you telling me?" asked the priest.
The man says, "I'm telling everybody."
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex last night with two 20-year-old girls and I had sex with each one three times."
The priest says, "How long has it been since your last confession."
The man says, "I have never been to confession, I am Jewish."
"So why are you telling me?" asked the priest.
The man says, "I'm telling everybody."
The Four Cats!
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were . The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.' Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said 'Measure, do your stuff.' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?' The Government Employee called his cat and said.... 'Coffee Break.....do your stuff.'
Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........
ate the cookies...............
drank the milk.............
shit on the paper....................
screwed the other three cats.....................
claimed he injured his back while doing so..................
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........
put in for Workers Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..............!!!!!!!!!!
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.' Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said 'Measure, do your stuff.' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?' The Government Employee called his cat and said.... 'Coffee Break.....do your stuff.'
Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........
ate the cookies...............
drank the milk.............
shit on the paper....................
screwed the other three cats.....................
claimed he injured his back while doing so..................
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........
put in for Workers Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..............!!!!!!!!!!
A Little Brown Paper Bag
A little brown paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag
."Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little brown paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results."What's wrong with me?" asked the little brown paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor."
No, I can't be I'm just a little brown paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor."NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor."NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well," said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor. "Your mother must have been a carrier."
."Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little brown paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results."What's wrong with me?" asked the little brown paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor."
No, I can't be I'm just a little brown paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor."NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor."NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well," said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor. "Your mother must have been a carrier."
Advantages of being an Arab
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.One day , he Decided that he would love to plant potatoes and herbs in his garden, but he knew he was alone and too old and weak.
His son was in college in Paris, so the old man sent him an e-mail explaining the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, that you would help me and dig up the garden for me. I love you, your father."
The following day, the old man received a response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. That is where I have hidden 'the THING.' I love you, too, Ahmed."
At 4pm the FBI and the Rangers visited the house of the old man and took the whole garden apart, searching every inch. But they couldn't find anything. Disappointed, they left the house.
The next day, the old man received another e-mail from his son:
"Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That is all I could do for you from here. Your loving son, Ahmed."
His son was in college in Paris, so the old man sent him an e-mail explaining the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, that you would help me and dig up the garden for me. I love you, your father."
The following day, the old man received a response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. That is where I have hidden 'the THING.' I love you, too, Ahmed."
At 4pm the FBI and the Rangers visited the house of the old man and took the whole garden apart, searching every inch. But they couldn't find anything. Disappointed, they left the house.
The next day, the old man received another e-mail from his son:
"Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That is all I could do for you from here. Your loving son, Ahmed."
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