A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, " How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence ," says the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
How many Can u get right?
How many can you get right?
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Can I ask him some questions?"The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Ms Brooks:"What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Ms Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Ms Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"
Ms Brooks: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yep."
Ms Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Ms Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Ms Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well,I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Ms Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
Got the joke ?
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
It starts with P and ends with S.
In Principal mind>> "Penis"
Ms Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
In Principal mind>> "Poles = penis , Tie me down = on bed , wet before you do = usually gets wet first before the man "
Ms Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."In Principal mind>> "Finger = penis , You fiddle with me when you're bored = when bored go do *** , The best man always has me first = Principal*best man* "
Ms Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well,I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."In Principal mind>> "many sizes = everyone got different sizes , not well I drip = when u *** sure drip , when blow me you feel good = when u **** sure feel good "
Ms Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
In Principal mind>> "Penis"
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?In Principal mind>> "F*ck"
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Can I ask him some questions?"The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Ms Brooks:"What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Ms Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Ms Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"
Ms Brooks: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yep."
Ms Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Ms Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Ms Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well,I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Ms Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
Got the joke ?
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
It starts with P and ends with S.
In Principal mind>> "Penis"
Ms Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
In Principal mind>> "Poles = penis , Tie me down = on bed , wet before you do = usually gets wet first before the man "
Ms Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."In Principal mind>> "Finger = penis , You fiddle with me when you're bored = when bored go do *** , The best man always has me first = Principal*best man* "
Ms Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well,I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."In Principal mind>> "many sizes = everyone got different sizes , not well I drip = when u *** sure drip , when blow me you feel good = when u **** sure feel good "
Ms Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
In Principal mind>> "Penis"
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?In Principal mind>> "F*ck"
Super indian salesman
An Indian moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home".
Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shavingcream etc. you get the idea?"
"Of course," the young man said.
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?
The Indian says, "One"
The manager groans, "Just one?Our sales people avg 20 30 sales/day. How much was the sale for?"
The Indian says, "$101,237.64."
The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
The Indian, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."
The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"
The Indian says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already screwed up you might as well go fishing."
The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home".
Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shavingcream etc. you get the idea?"
"Of course," the young man said.
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?
The Indian says, "One"
The manager groans, "Just one?Our sales people avg 20 30 sales/day. How much was the sale for?"
The Indian says, "$101,237.64."
The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
The Indian, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."
The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"
The Indian says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already screwed up you might as well go fishing."
"I want to feel your breast !"
An old man, walking along the beach, approached a beautiful girl in a bikini and abruptly said to her, "I want to feel your breasts!"
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she scowled.
"I want to feel your breasts. I'll give you twenty dollars," he said.
"Twenty dollars—are you nuts? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts! "I'll give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS," he stated.
"No, No! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS," he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then came to her senses and said, "I told you NO!"
"Seriously, FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, 'Well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money'.... "Well... OK... but only for a minute."
So she loosened her top and while both were standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath her top and began to caress. Suddenly he started saying over and over again,
"OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he continued caressing them.
Although anticipating her cash award, out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, Oh my God?'"
While continuing to feel her breasts, he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she scowled.
"I want to feel your breasts. I'll give you twenty dollars," he said.
"Twenty dollars—are you nuts? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts! "I'll give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS," he stated.
"No, No! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS," he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then came to her senses and said, "I told you NO!"
"Seriously, FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, 'Well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money'.... "Well... OK... but only for a minute."
So she loosened her top and while both were standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath her top and began to caress. Suddenly he started saying over and over again,
"OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he continued caressing them.
Although anticipating her cash award, out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, Oh my God?'"
While continuing to feel her breasts, he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
The Eight Qualities Of A Perfect Boyfriend/Husband, for women...and maybe gays ^
The Eight Qualities Of A Perfect Boyfriend / Husband
Brave
Intelligent
Gentle
Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive
And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only!!
Brave
Intelligent
Gentle
Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive
And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only!!
A Hippie
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.
A middle-aged man was driving the bus.When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God.
"If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,
"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"
A middle-aged man was driving the bus.When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God.
"If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,
"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"
Viagra Power
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing." The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
got the joke ?
The man DO it with her @ Mcdonald ...cannot wait..haha
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing." The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
got the joke ?
The man DO it with her @ Mcdonald ...cannot wait..haha
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