Ah Beng was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with......
1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep.But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down.The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me.I run until I fall 6 and throw out.So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him.Then I took a 9 and try to stab him.10 God he run away.So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven.Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6.He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.He also ask me to climb a 3 and jump down.I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I dont know what he 1.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Random Jokes #1
A Confused Computer
A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it ''could not find the printer.''
The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but his computer still could not 'see' the printer.
Blonde Looking for a Job
A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.''Yes.''
Grosser than gross.. underwear
What's grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.
What's grosser than that? When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet High
Sperm Count
How do you tell if your boyfriend has a high sperm ?
If you have to chew before you swallow.
A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it ''could not find the printer.''
The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but his computer still could not 'see' the printer.
Blonde Looking for a Job
A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.''Yes.''
Grosser than gross.. underwear
What's grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.
What's grosser than that? When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet High
Sperm Count
How do you tell if your boyfriend has a high sperm ?
If you have to chew before you swallow.
"Liver - Cheese " contest
There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - a black guy, an American guy and an Ah Beng. They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks. Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go out with them first.
The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let's see who can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'."
So the black guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate cheese."
The waitress shakes her head in disgust.
The American guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese."
The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same thing!"
Then the Ah Beng steps up and puts his arm around the waitress' waist.
"Liver alone, cheese mine!" ( leave her alone, she is mine ) !!!
The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let's see who can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'."
So the black guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate cheese."
The waitress shakes her head in disgust.
The American guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese."
The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same thing!"
Then the Ah Beng steps up and puts his arm around the waitress' waist.
"Liver alone, cheese mine!" ( leave her alone, she is mine ) !!!
Pickle Slicer
Fred comes home after a hard day's work at the pickle factory and announces to his wife that he's developed a terrible sexual compulsion; he wants to stick his dick in the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist, but he says he's too embarrassed. He promises to sort his problem out himself ...
A few weeks later, Fred comes home ashen-faced. His wife can see he's seriously upset.
'What's wrong?' asks the wife.
'Well ... you know that urge I had to stick my dick in the pickle slicer...'
'Oh, My God!' says his wife, 'What happened?!'
'I got fired' says Fred.
His wife unzips him and, to her surprise, finds his dick still intact. Astonished, she asks 'What happened with the pickle slicer?'
So What happen ...????
Scroll down to find out now ~~!!
'Oh,' says Fred, 'She got fired too.'
Got the joke ?
Note : Pickle Slicer is not a machine , but a female worker who slice pickle manually ~~!!
A few weeks later, Fred comes home ashen-faced. His wife can see he's seriously upset.
'What's wrong?' asks the wife.
'Well ... you know that urge I had to stick my dick in the pickle slicer...'
'Oh, My God!' says his wife, 'What happened?!'
'I got fired' says Fred.
His wife unzips him and, to her surprise, finds his dick still intact. Astonished, she asks 'What happened with the pickle slicer?'
So What happen ...????
Scroll down to find out now ~~!!
'Oh,' says Fred, 'She got fired too.'
Got the joke ?
Note : Pickle Slicer is not a machine , but a female worker who slice pickle manually ~~!!
Hong Kong English
New word for the day -- "Fanquevallemud"
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia
Room Service.(RS) = Room service
(G) = Guest
(RS): "Moling! loom sirfesee"
(G ): "Yes......"
(RS): "Dju witch true odor somefing??"
(G ): "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
(RS): "How July it done peace?"
(G ): "What??"
(RS): "How July it done?... Fi, boy?"
(G ): "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
(RS): "Howbow bkan?"
(G ): "Crisp will be fine."
(RS): "O light. An some DOS?"
(G ): "What?"
(RS ): "Dosee. July some DOS?"
(G ): "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means."
(RS): "Mmm...............Toes! toes!..."
(G ): "O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?"
(RS): "Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?"
(G ): "English muffin!! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
(RS): "Copy?"
(G ): "Sorry?"
(RS): "Copy...Mill...all T?"
(G ): "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
(RS): "O light. Seeangle ache, quits bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy..wite??"
(G ): "Well....Whatever you say"
(RS): "Fanquevallemud!"
(G ): "You're welcome""Fanquevallemud!" = THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia
Room Service.(RS) = Room service
(G) = Guest
(RS): "Moling! loom sirfesee"
(G ): "Yes......"
(RS): "Dju witch true odor somefing??"
(G ): "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
(RS): "How July it done peace?"
(G ): "What??"
(RS): "How July it done?... Fi, boy?"
(G ): "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
(RS): "Howbow bkan?"
(G ): "Crisp will be fine."
(RS): "O light. An some DOS?"
(G ): "What?"
(RS ): "Dosee. July some DOS?"
(G ): "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means."
(RS): "Mmm...............Toes! toes!..."
(G ): "O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?"
(RS): "Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?"
(G ): "English muffin!! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
(RS): "Copy?"
(G ): "Sorry?"
(RS): "Copy...Mill...all T?"
(G ): "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
(RS): "O light. Seeangle ache, quits bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy..wite??"
(G ): "Well....Whatever you say"
(RS): "Fanquevallemud!"
(G ): "You're welcome""Fanquevallemud!" = THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
16 years old, stupid but great answers
The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form. These are genuine responses!!
(16 years old and stupid- But we love 'em. They cheer up a teacher's day no end)
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water canbe made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because itremoves largepollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and theMoon. All water tendsto flow towards the moon, because there is no wateron the moon, andnature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist youare well endowed
.Q: In a democratic society, how important areelections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a malegets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you getintercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forwardto his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised?(e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - thebrainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,A,E,I,O and U
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is acharacteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places andthey look like umbrellas
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to showyou understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head
(16 years old and stupid- But we love 'em. They cheer up a teacher's day no end)
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water canbe made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because itremoves largepollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and theMoon. All water tendsto flow towards the moon, because there is no wateron the moon, andnature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist youare well endowed
.Q: In a democratic society, how important areelections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a malegets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you getintercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forwardto his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised?(e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - thebrainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,A,E,I,O and U
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is acharacteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places andthey look like umbrellas
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to showyou understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head
Bran Muffins
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods ( LOTS of bran muffins for their fiber) and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?', grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?''Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...''Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods ( LOTS of bran muffins for their fiber) and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?', grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?''Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...''Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!
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