Trying to make the matter clearer,she said,
"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,"Cause your feet ain't empty"
*****************
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
*******
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want.God is watching the apples.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Harley-Davidsons
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St Peter told Arthur: "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognised Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, andcan't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke. "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of women?"
God said, "Ah yes"
"Well" said Arthur. "Professional to professional,you too have some design flaws in your invention".
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous.
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there", replies God, "Hold on". God went to his celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out aslip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed" God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognised Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, andcan't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke. "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of women?"
God said, "Ah yes"
"Well" said Arthur. "Professional to professional,you too have some design flaws in your invention".
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous.
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there", replies God, "Hold on". God went to his celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out aslip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed" God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".
Wedding Rehearsal
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the preacher with an unusual offer."Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and cherish" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the preacher looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and vow eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the preacher and whispered: "I thought we had a deal."
The preacher put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer ."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the preacher looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and vow eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the preacher and whispered: "I thought we had a deal."
The preacher put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer ."
Confessing or Bragging?
A 75-year-old man goes to confession and tells the priest,
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex last night with two 20-year-old girls and I had sex with each one three times."
The priest says, "How long has it been since your last confession."
The man says, "I have never been to confession, I am Jewish."
"So why are you telling me?" asked the priest.
The man says, "I'm telling everybody."
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex last night with two 20-year-old girls and I had sex with each one three times."
The priest says, "How long has it been since your last confession."
The man says, "I have never been to confession, I am Jewish."
"So why are you telling me?" asked the priest.
The man says, "I'm telling everybody."
The Four Cats!
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were . The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.' Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said 'Measure, do your stuff.' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?' The Government Employee called his cat and said.... 'Coffee Break.....do your stuff.'
Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........
ate the cookies...............
drank the milk.............
shit on the paper....................
screwed the other three cats.....................
claimed he injured his back while doing so..................
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........
put in for Workers Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..............!!!!!!!!!!
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.' Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said 'Measure, do your stuff.' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?' The Government Employee called his cat and said.... 'Coffee Break.....do your stuff.'
Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........
ate the cookies...............
drank the milk.............
shit on the paper....................
screwed the other three cats.....................
claimed he injured his back while doing so..................
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........
put in for Workers Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..............!!!!!!!!!!
A Little Brown Paper Bag
A little brown paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag
."Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little brown paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results."What's wrong with me?" asked the little brown paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor."
No, I can't be I'm just a little brown paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor."NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor."NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well," said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor. "Your mother must have been a carrier."
."Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little brown paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results."What's wrong with me?" asked the little brown paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor."
No, I can't be I'm just a little brown paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor."NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor."NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well," said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor. "Your mother must have been a carrier."
Advantages of being an Arab
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.One day , he Decided that he would love to plant potatoes and herbs in his garden, but he knew he was alone and too old and weak.
His son was in college in Paris, so the old man sent him an e-mail explaining the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, that you would help me and dig up the garden for me. I love you, your father."
The following day, the old man received a response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. That is where I have hidden 'the THING.' I love you, too, Ahmed."
At 4pm the FBI and the Rangers visited the house of the old man and took the whole garden apart, searching every inch. But they couldn't find anything. Disappointed, they left the house.
The next day, the old man received another e-mail from his son:
"Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That is all I could do for you from here. Your loving son, Ahmed."
His son was in college in Paris, so the old man sent him an e-mail explaining the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, that you would help me and dig up the garden for me. I love you, your father."
The following day, the old man received a response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. That is where I have hidden 'the THING.' I love you, too, Ahmed."
At 4pm the FBI and the Rangers visited the house of the old man and took the whole garden apart, searching every inch. But they couldn't find anything. Disappointed, they left the house.
The next day, the old man received another e-mail from his son:
"Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That is all I could do for you from here. Your loving son, Ahmed."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
